Turn of events with ex last night

How did it go?

Well guys, y’all will say a big I told you so, but I am happy this happened - I feel free. Like, 100%, I am over this bullshit free.

So, here’s the thing - things were going well. I broke up with my bf (my needs were not being met there, I couldn’t deny it anymore) and my ex and I decided to be “friends” while working on things. I wanted this as well, by the way. I did not want to date him unless he proved date-worthy and relationship-worthy. We decided we would do the “repair the relationship” course on the personal development school. We watched videos, and had a plan to do the work.

However, we started to chil and have fun together.. I didn’t want to push the work part because I wanted to re-bond or whatever it’s called. But also not that much time had passed and I assumed that we would get to it soon. I also started sleeping with him because in the past, I had avoided it since we weren’t officially dating. This time I was OK with it because I thought that it would actually help us get closer (and also I wanted to.)

Then, things started to get…weird. Once when we slept together he was extremely aggressive, I shouldn’t put too many details but it was like, impersonal, aggressive, painful, and not satisfying for me. He did a couple other small distancing behaviors that I noticed, like not wanting to share something I asked about for basically no reason.

Then, suddenly, he he weekend after a really nice weekend together, he broke up with me - we had plans for me to come out to visit him the next day. You might be asking how he could’ve broken up with me if we were not dating. Well, we were getting there, organically.

Because this happens literally every time and we talked about it at length before, and he promised he would not do it like this again, I told him he was deactivating and that I would come anyway and talk about this. So here’s the thing though, on my way up there I kind of just felt…like I was just going through the ropes. I already felt detached from this. It felt very codependent, like someone coming to the rescue for someone who is relapsing after the hundredth time. But also, again, I was aware of how lame it was, meaning, how completely beneath me all this was. I wasn’t betraying myself exactly but I did feel this was beneath me. It almost felt like I was going through with it just because he had promised not to do this this time and I was extremely angry and we had just spent a lot of quality time together. However, I was not doing it out of the need for him to take back his decision or something. It says it I just wanted to make my point but I also was kind of done with this already, its too unfair and exhausting.

Long story short, I basically reminded him of all the stuff we had talked about just weeks before and, I just can’t emphasize how insane this is - he almost had a different personality come out that didn’t remember any of the information about avoidants. It was like, seriously weird. I ended up sleeping over and we ended up hugging and talking, etc. etc. we slept together that night. I almost wanted to prove a point that he was deactivating.

But here’s the deal. He actually without asking or warning, ahem, didn’t pull out during sex. I took this as a manifestation of very unconscious ambivalence towards me, like the extreme kind. He knew I could get pregnant and as we both want to have kids, and have talked about doing so for years, I figured it was a bad thing but that’s where it was coming from. In the morning, I asked for him to prescribe Plan B, but I also said, what were you thinking? And what would we do if I actually got pregnant? I expected him to say of course we would have the kid because you’re 34 and I’m 37 and and this is what we’ve been talking about for 12 years, and we make enough money and want the same things. But guess what he said?

“I would pay for an abortion.”

And ladies and gentlemen, my feelings for this man DISAPPEARED.

My ex is not just a dismissive avoidant. He is an extreme dismissive avoidant. He’s deeply emotionally immature, unaware of himself, and actually incapable of growth. He’s a piece of shit. I feel beyond liberated.

I wish I could tell everyone struggling and confused by avoidant behavior the following:

If they are not working on themselves seriously, or in other words, if they are not actively trying to become more secure, if they love you, they will hurt you and push you away. The more they love you the more that pain and confusion and trauma is baked into the relationship.

I know this man loved me, and yet, he had absolutely no clue as to how to properly love a person romantically. He was an absolutely textbook dismissive avoidant, all the behaviors were there…And he actually got farther than most do in that he was starting to become aware of it and had expressed the desire to change.

In the end, their brains are wired so differently that if they are not actively training themselves to second guess themselves when they deactivate, it will end badly every single time. It’s funny, Tays Gibson has a video about the different types of deactivations, and my ex actually had different types of deactivations for each break up. He did a couple of times to protect himself after I offended him, he did it a couple of times because he was stressed out from external circumstances and thought I was being too needy, and this time he did it because things were going well. This is actually one of the reasons why I’m able to walk away this time so easily. Previous times he always blamed me or it was some kind of horrible thing where Is second guess myself, but this time it was obvious that it was his issue. Prior to this he was talking to our friends wife about getting back together, trying to get her advice, and he seemed excited and willing to do the work at first, watching videos on his own, and he also met up with my mom without me, because he wanted to. This is a man who is truly terrified and in capable of intimacy and a real relationship. .

I do not consider the time I spent on this man wasted because I learned so much. And I don’t even necessarily regret going up there after he broke up with me this last time, because his attitude toward me purely disgusted me. He went from loving me to devaluing me within a week. I no longer am emotionally or even really physically attracted to this man.



Also, sorry for all the typos, I’m writing on my phone and I’m also using Dictaphone