Turn of events with ex last night

annieb…I don’t think my current boyfriend asking for more time was unhealthy at all, as it had to do with employment, career, motivational stuff, and him coming to terms with the fact that he has a family history of depression that he has to take care of. COVID was an exceptional time for many. I do love him, and I am pretty happy with him, save the disappointment I have thus far experienced with his general lack of hustling when his industry was shut down due to the pandemic. I love him - a lot - and I have a lot of faith in him but it is still a big uncertainty and he knows he kind of fucked up by not addressing some mental health concerns before… And I think the most important thing here is that there has been very good communication about this from both of us. He knows what my wants and needs are regarding this, it’s just a matter of whether he’ll actually be able to fulfill them on my timeline. He says he wants to. Many people in his industry don’t have families till much later, if at all. He definitely does want to have family and he’s been clear that he thinks having a family with me would be awesome. He’s just at an age where he hast to figure out how to actually turn this into a reality. At the moment, I am just thrilled that he’s feeling less depressed and more like himself. It’s a securely attached relationship with emotional connection and humor and shared interests and friends, and it has been harmonious, and that is one of the reasons why I’m not just dumping it in the trash and running back to my ex.

tnr9 Re: scarcity mindset, I have dated SOOO much. I’ve been super open to new men and have dated like it was a job. The bottom line is I don’t wanna do that right now. I’d like to stay with my current boyfriend, and my communicating with my ex is not automatically a reconciliation attempt. If, in communicating with my ex, I can feel it in my soul that it would be the right thing to give it another try, I will. However, at this point, I am incredibly happy with the communication that we’ve had so far completely irrespective of the romantic reconciliation. For the first time in years I feel like my ex and I have connected again as friends who can actually see each other. Or at least he can see me better. It’s satisfying on a soul level. I spent some time with him today, we went to a café and watched some of the anxious avoidant materials and talked, and it actually seems like we are both on the same page. He loves Thais Gibson. He was astounded at how accurate the analysis she made was. The fact is that every single break up that we have had has been a traumatic and dramatic deactivation on his part. I made it clear that I am able to see some things from his point of view as well. However at our core we are two people who love each other, as people. I don’t know if either of us will ever want to be romantically connected again, because it’s just too scary for both of us. For once we are taking an honest look at what each persons needs actually are and if we’d even be capable or satisfied in fulfilling them. In other words we are getting to the root of the problems. I’m not sure if his definition of love or being loving would ever be satisfying to me and vice versa, but it doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t love each other. Either way, we have tons of mutual friends and I think it’s the right thing to do to heal some of the trauma with him.

I basically just made him promise that no matter what happens, he cannot deactivate like how he has in the past. We don’t have to date, we don’t have to reconcile, but he cannot leave me in an angry outburst ever again because it will be so psychologically damaging. Whatever the outcome is the perceived power struggle has got to end. There is absolutely no need for it also, as we are not trying to date eachother and I’m not trying to force anything on anyone (his typical fear). At this point I think he’s honestly interested in working on this because he’s starting to see that it will get in the way of his goal of having a family (with anyone). And to tell you the truth if it means that he is going to actually improve His emotional health, I am happy to be somewhat involved, regardless of dating or not. At the end of the day, one of the reasons why I continue to pursue him in the past Is because to me I could see that he was almost self sabotaging, and I did not wanna allow him to do that, which is a codependency thing, but whatever. I think it would be ironic that now that he actually wants to genuinely work on this part of himself that I would just say fuck you to him.

@introvert dullboat123, re: the ego boost, he doesn’t know anything about my personal life. So that can’t be his motivation.

I really appreciate each and every person’s feedback on this and I feel supported even if people don’t necessarily agree with me or whats happening. Is it a shame that my current boyfriend can get hurt? I don’t think it’s a shame that someone could get hurt. That’s a risk. Any of us could get hurt at any time… It’s one of the risks of being a human and having a heart. However I am not sure that this is going to hurt my current boyfriend and I mean that. So far this doesn’t seem like it’s harmful to my relationship with him at all.

I was able to go see your previous posts, I didn't realize you lost 11 years already on this guy with him breaking up over and over, with you pursuing over and over. I didn't have the background, now it's more clear that this is a continuation of that very long standing cycle. Have you read back through your posts? Sometimes it can be really illuminating and a splash of cold water to read one's own words instead of just glancing back into your memories in your head.

That's a long time, and even last time that you've written about here, you tried to get him to see the light and he was "blown away" by Jeb's books. I get you see some kind of positive development with him viewing attachment videos with you but I have to admit it really looks like same old same old game from the outside. Best of luck.

So..is the goal to try to help him have awareness of his own woundedness?  Because other posters have tried to help an ex and the majority of the time it hasn’t worked due to the fact that the ex was not truly interested in changing.  It is hard work to face the wounds/fears…much easier to continue using coping mechanisms that work sometimes.  I know that alexandra has had mixed results with her exes who are still friends.

How can I say you’re a mess in a loving way?. Because that’s what I’m trying to convey. Because you’re obviously not a mess in general, just when it comes to attachment. (I am too, I’m a total utter mess and I can’t trust myself around attachment and my best strategy as pathetic as that is is to avoid dating).
I’ve seen you spiral here before and you can write yourself out of a paper bag and be defensive as you like, but we all know why we are here. I mean deep down. We know. Even if we are writing a defensive novel. So that’s great. That’s step one.
Why are you dating this poor dude, when you basically what broke up with the Doctor in December and started dating this guy in like January? How much time did you take for yourself?
Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t date, you should. You should date but not be in a relationship for a good six to eight months before you commit to someone. Someone new, who has the same goals as you and is in the same stage of life as you. The seven year younger guy sounds great, but is he really going to catch up to you where you need him to be? Putting additional pressure onto him, he is what 27?
Why are you getting coffee with the ex, when you know it will all just break you? Listen, one day it will break you so much you won’t be able to get up anymore. You will be on the rock bottom, one day your body will give out, you will have exhausted your adrenals with this caretaking and controlling and managing and your body will fail you.
If all this behavior isn’t trauma response then I don’t know what is.
Stay on the boards, block the ex, go to a CoDA meeting. See what that does to you. I bet you will never take yourself for granted after it. You are taking yourself for granted.

Thanks for clarifying that.

It's on both of us until I decide to walk away and do what's best for myself. Especially in a situation without children and other commitments. Once I focused on myself and was determined to heal my dysfunctional tendencies, and got more secure, I didn't want to date avoidants anymore. I knew from my numerous, repetitive, and painful experiences that I couldn't get my needs met that way and it doesn't work for me or what I want (didn't work for the avoidants, either), and I'd never achieved my relationship life goals during any of those relationships. So, it's my choice and only my choice to choose better partners and matches for myself and not get bogged down in resentment, anger, repetition, or what anyone else is doing. I became a much happier person after eventually embracing and doing just that.

People need to make their own decisions about what works for them, though. They can hear the experiences of others and decide to relate to it, or not.