Turn of events with ex last night

Not necessary. Which is why I am not too sure where you come from. But where I'm from, people go to the police and haul the perpetrators to the magistrates from mere accusations of controlling behaviours or even speaking in a threatening manner. 

To put things into perspective, what my ex did to me, I can easily go to the police to file a DVO and have the magistrates order her not to come within 500m of me. 

First of all I want to thank everyone for responding, it was all very encouraging.
tnr9 no, I will not be discussing any of this with my partner. It’s not his burden. This it may not effect our relationship negatively, and ultimately we are not engaged nor married. I think people who break rules do so in part because they feel entitled to it, and in this case, I do feel entitled at this stage in my life to assess exactly how I feel about my ex. So much rides on it. If I actually get to close the door energetically - that which I have been unable to do - that will only be good for my current relationship. If I decide to reopen it with my ex, that will obviously mean a break-up with my current partner, which would be heartbreaking on its own. I am not excluding the possibility that I belong with neither of them. I am definitely not physically cheating, and all these questions are in my own head at this point. I’m not sure being confused counts as emotionally cheating either. Especially in this situation.

I see this as a possible way also to have a non traumatic break up with my ex. Every single break up was traumatic. We are talking openly now and that is not a bad thing. Regardless of what happens in the future he is an important part of my past and we both owe it to the good part of what we had to either try again, or finally break up as friends who like eachother. We have mutual friends anyway and it would make life easier if we got along. This would not be a bad ending, either.

He is starting to realize that his relationship expectations are unhealthy/unrealistic. on his list of needs was: 1) accept me for who I am 2) don’t ever question my decisions and 3) don’t try to change me or control me. And also we do the following couples activities: exercise, sleep, eat, read, hang out, travel. . His being so open about his expectations enabled me to point out how insane that is…that healthy relationships need conflict that is handled well. It let us talk about his perceptive filter and how it can be skewed, seeing things as controlling that may not be. I also explained that you can accept a person and love a person and not accept certain behaviors. And that people can and do change gradually in relationships. He then requested a do-over for an argument we had 10 months ago, and it went much better.

Also, with the Covid thing, he apparently was keeping tabs on my condition through his sister. He said he wasn’t worried Bc I wasn’t admitted to the hospital. Although it was totally wrong, I see how from his end he still was concerned.

We left it off like this : we are both thinking about what would be required of each party to actually make it work. And honestly it may be too much for one or both of us. I personally felt exhausted after explaining all that shit to him, and if occurred to me, that even if he can and will change, it may be with great patience and sacrifice on my part. I dunno if a DA-ex 2.0 version is worth all that.

If you’re going to have this type of conversations with your ex, you need to break up with your boyfriend today and cite the exact reason you’re doing it so he is not in the dark. Your train of thought has gone in a very self centered and codependent direction. Here is a thing about your ex - you will have the exact same relationship you had with him, maybe he will try here and there if he feels you’ve had enough, but you will have this frustration and never being good enough for the rest of your life.
Look some people want that. Maybe you want to repeat your childhood traumas for the rest of eternity. Maybe that is what you truly want? Maybe that’s what helps you get through the day? That you’re never good enough.

What you’re doing is unethical to you. Is all I’m going to say. Why are you with your boyfriend of there are all these “problems”. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with him, if there are major issues. Relationships are not constant battles where you cite the many issues. I mean they are relationships, but they are uphill battles. I say this because I’ve done the exact same thing, when in throws of my codependency.
My opinion is that you should be alone, and you shouldn’t talk to your ex and you shouldn’t be in a relationship with the new guy either. And you don’t need to take all this time to asses anything. You’ve already wasted 10 years of your life with your ex and if you’re wishy washy about your new boyfriend, break up.

Keep going to your own therapy and to CoDA meetings and make new friends. Make female friends, who you have mutual interests with and can develop mutual respect. Work on your secure relationships. Develop secure relationships. The direction you were going with the new home is where you should be headed. Work on your self esteem. None of the issues where you’re torn in ten different directions like you are now will even be relevant once you truly love yourself. Work on that. Figure out what you need to love yourself.

I understand and I know it’s black and white and dismissive. It’s that way in purpose. Because as it is you’re looking for self love in the wrong places. You will not find it via either of these relationships.

As a matter of fact, my ex did have some introspection in the end and he understood that he may be a narcissist (he came up with that on his own) and he broke down weeping in the most heartbreaking way, but I also know that it’s his journey from there on. And that he will grow god willing on his own and that I will grow on my own. And then if we were to meet down the road while grown, it will be having grown further apart. Which is a good thing for both of us.

There is no way I could be the person I was with him and the person I am now I could never allow that same disrespect. We would simply not be attracted to one another.

I don’t know how to help you because I feel like you will always come back in this circular pattern, and it’s been two years. You will never change this man, and he will never change to where he need to be to be a partner. At 34, date a new man, who is ready for the things you are ready for. Neither of these men are it. At this point do you understand that you are standing in your own way?

Like I said above, I’m not excluding the possibility that I belong with neither of them. But I need to figure it out for myself. I appreciate everyone’s warnings here, and they are a good reminder of what the likely outcome is. You say date a new man, one who is ready for what I’m ready for - do you think this is simple to find? Not only that, but to find someone that is ready for the same things as I am and that we get along and I love is a pretty tall order. Bottom line is I don’t want to do that. I want to do what I am currently doing. The outcome cannot be bad because I don’t expect great things and I’m not deceiving myself.