Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 0:02:24 GMT
BOOM. That's the point. Healthy Introspection leads one AWAY from trying to work it out with an unavailable person, not toward. I can't believe this is so hard to grasp.
If you're trying to make it work with an unaware avoidant, you're in need of some personal internal changes. The codependency is the disease- personal growth is the answer.
It's not about blaming oneself it's about understanding oneself enough to freakin emancipate yourself . It's been twisted into all kinds of other stuff but when you know and love yourself, truly. you're free. Of any toxic relationship, with an anxious, avoidant, personality disordered, or simply incompatible person.
Don't want to grow? great. Keep picking avoidants and stop crying about it. Want to grow and be healthier? Great. Find a better partner because you have developed the EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE to know what's good for you and what's not. It's really not complicated .
|
|
|
|
Post by dullboat123 on Aug 27, 2021 1:38:39 GMT
Easier said than done. For females, its easier. For guys, especially for me, we oftentimes DO NOT have the luxury of choice. We don't have a harem of women chasing us where we can pick and choose.
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Aug 27, 2021 1:59:51 GMT
Gender has very little to do with it. Any AP woman will tell you she has no harem of men pursuing her. Because the pathology of the insecure attachment style is to view romance with suspicion that the shoe will drop any minute, view finding dates and partners with a complete scarcity mentality, and also to be conditioned only to chase (usually chase avoidants). Scarcity mentality is sabotage, and I had to overcome that too in order to start finding, being attracted to, and dating healthier partners.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 3:36:03 GMT
Easier said than done. For females, its easier. For guys, especially for me, we oftentimes DO NOT have the luxury of choice. We don't have a harem of women chasing us where we can pick and choose. Speak for yourself, and believe whatever excuse you want to come up with. If you choose toxic pairing over healthy singledom thats your responsibility. If you don't have options so try to force someone unhealthy to meet your needs because you're desperate, that's your problem and you don't really have an excuse. To say others have it easier when you haven't walked in their shoes is absurd, it's your speculation. People who have lots of suitors may also have sever trauma- it isn't about how many suitors there are it's about whether you have the emotional intelligence to be healthy single or with a suitable partner. Whatever you choose is on you. Take that in or don't, you are the only one suffering from your choices. Maybe you have more emotional skills now than when you pursued your last toxic relationship, time will tell and best of luck. |
|
|
|
Post by dullboat123 on Aug 27, 2021 5:30:58 GMT
Gender has very little to do with it. Any AP woman will tell you she has no harem of men pursuing her. Because the pathology of the insecure attachment style is to view romance with suspicion that the shoe will drop any minute, view finding dates and partners with a complete scarcity mentality, and also to be conditioned only to chase (usually chase avoidants). Scarcity mentality is sabotage, and I had to overcome that too in order to start finding, being attracted to, and dating healthier partners. My experience is very weird and in contradiction to what you've said in some parts. There are no harem of ladies pursuing me. I get what I'm served. However both my narcissistic ex wife and avoidant ex gf chased me hard (lovebombing) in the beginning. I can say I wasn't very interested in the beginning but they pretty much use seduction to get me hooked. With my narc ex wife, even though she is a full blown covert narc, she didn't make me feel like the "shoe will drop any minute". That's because I have what she wanted and she is sucking my blood slowly. So I was very secure in the relationship and marriage even when communications was kept to minimum and where necessary. No with my avoidant ex, even though she kept saying I'm the one, I'm it, she's going to marry me, her actions didn't add up. I am constantly on edge, with deep fear of abandonment because with the avoidant ex, the shoe literally CAN DROP anytime! Say the wrong thing, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Do something she doesn't agree with, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Not to mention the tonnes of distancing behaviours she is displaying as the relationship went on - from hiding the phone from me to hiding in the bathroom with her phone, not including me in her parties with friends, cancelling dates, NOT going on dates cause she's "tired", keeping her exes on her insta that CONSTANTLY asks her for nudes and refusing to block them even when I said I'm not comfortable with it......those, among other subtle, body languages that makes me feel that I'm dispensable. |
|
|
|
Post by dullboat123 on Aug 27, 2021 5:41:52 GMT
Speak for yourself, and believe whatever excuse you want to come up with. If you choose toxic pairing over healthy singledom thats your responsibility. If you don't have options so try to force someone unhealthy to meet your needs because you're desperate, that's your problem and you don't really have an excuse. To say others have it easier when you haven't walked in their shoes is absurd, it's your speculation. People who have lots of suitors may also have sever trauma- it isn't about how many suitors there are it's about whether you have the emotional intelligence to be healthy single or with a suitable partner. Whatever you choose is on you. Take that in or don't, you are the only one suffering from your choices. Maybe you have more emotional skills now than when you pursued your last toxic relationship, time will tell and best of luck. That's why I said, after all these, FARK avoidants. Now I got a PhD on that on how to spot one a mile away and kick them to the curb. And yes that's my life and my views on avoidants are pretty much cemented by the avoidants on here and they are not going to change anytime soon. Actually it got worse. Gloat all you want. Just because you have a secure partner that is willing to put up with your sh...I mean work with you, that's because you're willing to back down and work with him. Not all avoidants want to change. |
|
|
|
Post by doctora on Aug 27, 2021 6:05:27 GMT
annieb and everyone else - I appreciate your words, I’m trying not to be defensive. I certainly have been a mess when it comes to this stuff, sort of. However, I reminded myself of the following: this is a forum that I’m using to sort out my own feelings, choices, decisions. Just because I’m internally conflicted doesn’t mean I’m doing anything crazy, it’s just being honest online. Meeting up with my ex to watch the videos for me was the right decision. It was healing for me to be validated and it was healing for him to see that he has been almost controlled by his attachment system, and how it has distorted his perception and memory. I could tell that it was healing for him to sort of see me clearly…disliking someone you used to love is not a fun thing. I know I posted about “will he be better for someone else?” When I wrote that, I was totally in my most fragile state Bc he had just left in a big deactivation mindfuck. The answer is now more realistic: maybe, but even if he’s better it may not be what I personally would need him to be. If I hadn’t met up with my ex I also wouldn’t have gotten more insight into how his mind actually works, and that in fact is making it easier for me to see him for who he really is. He is someone who can grow, but is extremely resistant to growth and it takes so long and he doesn’t ask himself the right questions and pushes down any negative emotions automatically that would lead to growth. He would have to now go out of his way to try to override that. My codependence or whatever you wanna call it has led him to this journey, and he wouldn’t have gotten here without me, I am pretty sure of it. He even told me that. Does this make me feel bad? No, why should it? This is not the only thing that would make me valuable to him (or anyone), it’s not like my sole purpose in his life was to lead him on this journey. So I don’t feel used or like I sacrificed myself to do this for him. The fact that I was able to jolt him awake to who and what he is, is just one aspect of our connection. It may end up being that that’s the main legacy if we don’t end up together and he ends up embarking on this journey to heal his attachment style and ends up with someone else. I understand everyone’s warnings to tread lightly, but I have to say that I don’t have any intention of reconciling with him romantically, not at this point at least and most likely never. But just because he isn’t what I need doesn’t mean that he’s not trying to actually be a better person and to change. The other half of this is that, like I’ve said before, my ex DA and I have a particularly special history because of the age when we met, the stuff we did together, our mutual friends, and the fact that we were friends for years before we dated. I thought long and hard about whether it’s codependent and the truth is is that maybe, but it’s also just attachment. When you have a rift with someone you’re attached to its distressing. You can try to ignore it or move on, but it’s always like this sad ending that doesn’t feel right. By reaching an understanding and maybe breaking up well this time I feel like I can free myself some of the trauma that has occurred. Am I a codependent failure because I couldn’t do it without his… Involvement or input? I don’t think so, I tried very hard to be free of him, which is why I didn’t hesitate to date other people that seemed like they could be secure. When I say that I will only date him again if my soul tells me that that’s the right thing to do, I mean it. But that’s just like my equivalent of saying never say never… It doesn’t mean that that’s what I want or that I will do anything beyond saying “I told you so” right now for him. If he wants to work on himself he will. I don’t wanna have anything to do with it, like I said in my previous posts it was pretty exhausting, even if it was satisfying. As far as my boyfriend not being the person for me or why am I dating this poor guy, I really don’t understand how you think that you can pass a judgment on my relationship, especially with incomplete information. Yes he’s 27, but it may not be the age that made him not ready for kids… He’s not originally from New York City and plenty of his high school friends already have kids. It was that he was unemployed during the pandemic and panicked about not being able to provide, and coming to terms with the fact that he likely has had seasonal depression his entire life. However he did the responsible thing and started seeing a mental health professional. I respect him and admire him immensely. He’s also incredibly chill, really funny really smart and really hot. The reason why I’m giving it more time is because that is the appropriate thing to do. It’s not necessarily a life stage thing only but also a life circumstance thing. Besides this, he is the person with whom I have had the most productive, functional, and satisfying home life. He’s able to actually cry which is insane to me after dating my ex, he takes really good care of his cats, he’s extremely generous with his time and money with all of his friends and family. And not only that but he really appreciates me and the support that I’ve given him. If we break up, it will be a result of me applying the concepts that I have learned with my da-ex, That love is not enough to make something work. However, I will definitely give it more time because he is a person a very high-quality. I might actually tell my current boyfriend that I have been talking with my ex but mostly about healing the trauma from the previous relationship. I’m pretty sure he would be nothing but supportive. I will definitely leave the part out that somewhere in my mind I’m like, maybe my ex could change enough to be with him in the future, but that’s because it’s just one small part of what’s going on in my mind. You dig? Because I don’t trust that thought anymore. However, denying its existence, here, with you guys on this forum, is also not honest. The other half of this is that I loved a fucked up person for years and yeah, it seems like they may actually change.… But we go back to whether that will realistically happen on my timeline and without draining me of my life energy. And it won’t.
|
|
|
|
Post by doctora on Aug 27, 2021 6:19:21 GMT
dullboat123 and everyone else…. This has gotten a little bit ridiculous. I can see what both of you guys are saying and it’s not mutually exclusive. Do you understand what dullboat is saying? Also, Dullboat, do you see what their valid points are? Let me try to combine both of your positions in a way that you can see that they don’t disagree with each other. Basically, you are not at fault necessarily for why the relationship was impossible. You likely tried everything you could, like most of us have with our avoidant exes. Because they are so impossible to be with, you can safely blame them for the ending of the relationship, that’s fine. The whole personal responsibility and introspection thing comes into play when you realize it was your job to protect yourself. But the contradiction here is that by blaming your ex for the demise of the relationship, which is valid, you feel that you are protecting yourself. This may be true but there is an additional step that everyone keeps talking about.… It involves being really honest with yourself about what you should have done and what you will struggle with in the future. Or what feelings were keeping you in the dynamic. For example, of course I found it very true that I was repeating childhood patterns with my ex. There was more to it but this was one of the things that was unfortunately true. Both of us chose to keep engaging with our exes even though they were obviously fucked up. This is a pretty normal and common mistake that people make when they think that they can help their loved one who is fucked up. Secure people end up in this trap as well and it makes them more anxious. Remember, adult experiences also contribute to attachment style, not just childhood ones. It doesn’t mean there is something horribly wrong with us. It happens with addiction, it happens with anger problems, it even happens with abuse. And obviously it happens with attachment issues. We don’t have to make his lesson bigger than it has to be…if someone shows that they are fucked up in the future, all you can do is say your truth, and acknowledge that ONLY they can decide to change. And that it’s their job to do that research, that work (although, I think pointing the fucked up love one in the right direction is fine.). You don’t have to dwell on why you made the decision to try to keep making it work… It was natural, you loved the person and they showed glimpses of possibly being able to change which is also a huge mindfuck. Forgive yourself and just try to do better in the future… It doesn’t have to be so much about introspection but more just about having a plan and being aware of your own tendencies. As far as avoidants being here on this forum and blah blah blah, dullboat, from what I understand most of the avoidants on this forum are actually fearful avoidant, so therefore they experience anxious tendencies as well. I think most of the people here, in other words, have been the more anxious partner just like we were. Some people here definitely lean more purely avoidant…maybe they came here after realizing that they fucked up relationships with people they loved or something. They deserve kudos, and I know you’ve actually tried to give it in agreeing with me that the avoidants here are light years ahead of our exes just by virtue of them participating in this forum. It’s true. Can’t we all just get along plz
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 6:29:10 GMT
Speak for yourself, and believe whatever excuse you want to come up with. If you choose toxic pairing over healthy singledom thats your responsibility. If you don't have options so try to force someone unhealthy to meet your needs because you're desperate, that's your problem and you don't really have an excuse. To say others have it easier when you haven't walked in their shoes is absurd, it's your speculation. People who have lots of suitors may also have sever trauma- it isn't about how many suitors there are it's about whether you have the emotional intelligence to be healthy single or with a suitable partner. Whatever you choose is on you. Take that in or don't, you are the only one suffering from your choices. Maybe you have more emotional skills now than when you pursued your last toxic relationship, time will tell and best of luck. That's why I said, after all these, FARK avoidants. Now I got a PhD on that on how to spot one a mile away and kick them to the curb. And yes that's my life and my views on avoidants are pretty much cemented by the avoidants on here and they are not going to change anytime soon. Actually it got worse. Gloat all you want. Just because you have a secure partner that is willing to put up with your sh...I mean work with you, that's because you're willing to back down and work with him. Not all avoidants want to change. And so what? Live your life and get over yourself and your bully attitude. Or, keep it and angry type thirteen times a day on a forum so you can really accomplish something. None of your opinions and none of your crappy attitude change anything. If you find happiness I doubt it will be from bitter ranting online at or about avoidants. Do you. You're a miserable dude. |
|
|
|
Post by doctora on Aug 27, 2021 6:36:12 GMT
That's why I said, after all these, FARK avoidants. Now I got a PhD on that on how to spot one a mile away and kick them to the curb. And yes that's my life and my views on avoidants are pretty much cemented by the avoidants on here and they are not going to change anytime soon. Actually it got worse. Gloat all you want. Just because you have a secure partner that is willing to put up with your sh...I mean work with you, that's because you're willing to back down and work with him. Not all avoidants want to change. And so what? Live your life and get over yourself and your bully attitude. Or, keep it and angry type thirteen times a day on a forum so you can really accomplish something. None of your opinions and none of your crappy attitude change anything. If you find happiness I doubt it will be from bitter ranting online at or about avoidants. Do you. You're a miserable dude. Actually both of you sound like bullies. Seriously. Why don’t you take some of your own advice and either cool it and be nicer or stop contributing to the toxic dynamic. |
|
|
|
Post by doctora on Aug 27, 2021 6:42:57 GMT
Gender has very little to do with it. Any AP woman will tell you she has no harem of men pursuing her. Because the pathology of the insecure attachment style is to view romance with suspicion that the shoe will drop any minute, view finding dates and partners with a complete scarcity mentality, and also to be conditioned only to chase (usually chase avoidants). Scarcity mentality is sabotage, and I had to overcome that too in order to start finding, being attracted to, and dating healthier partners. My experience is very weird and in contradiction to what you've said in some parts. There are no harem of ladies pursuing me. I get what I'm served. However both my narcissistic ex wife and avoidant ex gf chased me hard (lovebombing) in the beginning. I can say I wasn't very interested in the beginning but they pretty much use seduction to get me hooked. With my narc ex wife, even though she is a full blown covert narc, she didn't make me feel like the "shoe will drop any minute". That's because I have what she wanted and she is sucking my blood slowly. So I was very secure in the relationship and marriage even when communications was kept to minimum and where necessary. No with my avoidant ex, even though she kept saying I'm the one, I'm it, she's going to marry me, her actions didn't add up. I am constantly on edge, with deep fear of abandonment because with the avoidant ex, the shoe literally CAN DROP anytime! Say the wrong thing, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Do something she doesn't agree with, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Not to mention the tonnes of distancing behaviours she is displaying as the relationship went on - from hiding the phone from me to hiding in the bathroom with her phone, not including me in her parties with friends, cancelling dates, NOT going on dates cause she's "tired", keeping her exes on her insta that CONSTANTLY asks her for nudes and refusing to block them even when I said I'm not comfortable with it......those, among other subtle, body languages that makes me feel that I'm dispensable. Dullboat, Was your da-ex a lot younger than you? I forgot. She also sounds crazy immature. I implore you to answer this question: What kind of person do you want to be with next? How do you imagine it? What are your new standards, besides not being totally fucking avoidant? |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2021 10:19:47 GMT
My experience is very weird and in contradiction to what you've said in some parts. There are no harem of ladies pursuing me. I get what I'm served. However both my narcissistic ex wife and avoidant ex gf chased me hard (lovebombing) in the beginning. I can say I wasn't very interested in the beginning but they pretty much use seduction to get me hooked. With my narc ex wife, even though she is a full blown covert narc, she didn't make me feel like the "shoe will drop any minute". That's because I have what she wanted and she is sucking my blood slowly. So I was very secure in the relationship and marriage even when communications was kept to minimum and where necessary. No with my avoidant ex, even though she kept saying I'm the one, I'm it, she's going to marry me, her actions didn't add up. I am constantly on edge, with deep fear of abandonment because with the avoidant ex, the shoe literally CAN DROP anytime! Say the wrong thing, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Do something she doesn't agree with, boom, she's out the door then stonewall. Not to mention the tonnes of distancing behaviours she is displaying as the relationship went on - from hiding the phone from me to hiding in the bathroom with her phone, not including me in her parties with friends, cancelling dates, NOT going on dates cause she's "tired", keeping her exes on her insta that CONSTANTLY asks her for nudes and refusing to block them even when I said I'm not comfortable with it......those, among other subtle, body languages that makes me feel that I'm dispensable. Dullboat, Was your da-ex a lot younger than you? I forgot. She also sounds crazy immature. I implore you to answer this question: What kind of person do you want to be with next? How do you imagine it? What are your new standards, besides not being totally fucking avoidant? I also still wonder if she had some other issues and was not just avoidantly attached. As I previously stated…her intentionality of love bombing and then making you jump through hoops of flames and moving the goalpost are definitely more narcissistic traits. Have you considered that you may have entered into a second relationship with a narcissist? |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2021 10:21:21 GMT
annieb and everyone else - I appreciate your words, I’m trying not to be defensive. I certainly have been a mess when it comes to this stuff, sort of. However, I reminded myself of the following: this is a forum that I’m using to sort out my own feelings, choices, decisions. Just because I’m internally conflicted doesn’t mean I’m doing anything crazy, it’s just being honest online. Meeting up with my ex to watch the videos for me was the right decision. It was healing for me to be validated and it was healing for him to see that he has been almost controlled by his attachment system, and how it has distorted his perception and memory. I could tell that it was healing for him to sort of see me clearly…disliking someone you used to love is not a fun thing. I know I posted about “will he be better for someone else?” When I wrote that, I was totally in my most fragile state Bc he had just left in a big deactivation mindfuck. The answer is now more realistic: maybe, but even if he’s better it may not be what I personally would need him to be. If I hadn’t met up with my ex I also wouldn’t have gotten more insight into how his mind actually works, and that in fact is making it easier for me to see him for who he really is. He is someone who can grow, but is extremely resistant to growth and it takes so long and he doesn’t ask himself the right questions and pushes down any negative emotions automatically that would lead to growth. He would have to now go out of his way to try to override that. My codependence or whatever you wanna call it has led him to this journey, and he wouldn’t have gotten here without me, I am pretty sure of it. He even told me that. Does this make me feel bad? No, why should it? This is not the only thing that would make me valuable to him (or anyone), it’s not like my sole purpose in his life was to lead him on this journey. So I don’t feel used or like I sacrificed myself to do this for him. The fact that I was able to jolt him awake to who and what he is, is just one aspect of our connection. It may end up being that that’s the main legacy if we don’t end up together and he ends up embarking on this journey to heal his attachment style and ends up with someone else. I understand everyone’s warnings to tread lightly, but I have to say that I don’t have any intention of reconciling with him romantically, not at this point at least and most likely never. But just because he isn’t what I need doesn’t mean that he’s not trying to actually be a better person and to change. The other half of this is that, like I’ve said before, my ex DA and I have a particularly special history because of the age when we met, the stuff we did together, our mutual friends, and the fact that we were friends for years before we dated. I thought long and hard about whether it’s codependent and the truth is is that maybe, but it’s also just attachment. When you have a rift with someone you’re attached to its distressing. You can try to ignore it or move on, but it’s always like this sad ending that doesn’t feel right. By reaching an understanding and maybe breaking up well this time I feel like I can free myself some of the trauma that has occurred. Am I a codependent failure because I couldn’t do it without his… Involvement or input? I don’t think so, I tried very hard to be free of him, which is why I didn’t hesitate to date other people that seemed like they could be secure. When I say that I will only date him again if my soul tells me that that’s the right thing to do, I mean it. But that’s just like my equivalent of saying never say never… It doesn’t mean that that’s what I want or that I will do anything beyond saying “I told you so” right now for him. If he wants to work on himself he will. I don’t wanna have anything to do with it, like I said in my previous posts it was pretty exhausting, even if it was satisfying. As far as my boyfriend not being the person for me or why am I dating this poor guy, I really don’t understand how you think that you can pass a judgment on my relationship, especially with incomplete information. Yes he’s 27, but it may not be the age that made him not ready for kids… He’s not originally from New York City and plenty of his high school friends already have kids. It was that he was unemployed during the pandemic and panicked about not being able to provide, and coming to terms with the fact that he likely has had seasonal depression his entire life. However he did the responsible thing and started seeing a mental health professional. I respect him and admire him immensely. He’s also incredibly chill, really funny really smart and really hot. The reason why I’m giving it more time is because that is the appropriate thing to do. It’s not necessarily a life stage thing only but also a life circumstance thing. Besides this, he is the person with whom I have had the most productive, functional, and satisfying home life. He’s able to actually cry which is insane to me after dating my ex, he takes really good care of his cats, he’s extremely generous with his time and money with all of his friends and family. And not only that but he really appreciates me and the support that I’ve given him. If we break up, it will be a result of me applying the concepts that I have learned with my da-ex, That love is not enough to make something work. However, I will definitely give it more time because he is a person a very high-quality. I might actually tell my current boyfriend that I have been talking with my ex but mostly about healing the trauma from the previous relationship. I’m pretty sure he would be nothing but supportive. I will definitely leave the part out that somewhere in my mind I’m like, maybe my ex could change enough to be with him in the future, but that’s because it’s just one small part of what’s going on in my mind. You dig? Because I don’t trust that thought anymore. However, denying its existence, here, with you guys on this forum, is also not honest. The other half of this is that I loved a fucked up person for years and yeah, it seems like they may actually change.… But we go back to whether that will realistically happen on my timeline and without draining me of my life energy. And it won’t. Hey doctora….I just wanted to say…I too am on the east coast of the US….actually close to DC. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Aug 27, 2021 10:24:31 GMT
Also…..I am going to repost this comment from jeb here:
To wade in here (at the request of several members):
I think all of you on this thread have good points. Dullboat123 is not very politic in expressing them, which some valued members react to. As usual, it takes two to have an argument, and if you find someone's words unpleasant, you are advised to block them (which is not rude, and thanks to Alexandra for pointing that out.) I see where you all are coming from, and we all need to work more or less on our own attitudes. Extreme avoidants could be viewed as tests of our own security and groundedness; they are not "bad" because they fail to participate in whatever dance we wanted to dance with them, but unconsciously and *irrationally* strike out at threatening intimacy. Typically they can't control this behavior, but we can modify our own once we understand their behavior has much less to do with us than it does them and their early childhood experiences. Their defense mechanisms are deep and resistant to change, even when they want to change them.
So, everybody, try to be kind to each other. This is a valuable discussion and learning to ignore bait ("you're wrong on the Internet, let me correct you...") is a valuable life skill we should all cultivate.
Our son is 4 months old now, so forgive me for not participating much! I am doing everything I can to teach him security. Just learning to soothe his screaming without getting angry is a challenge for me. I can now understand fully why some parents give their infants the wrong signals and leave them insecure...
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2021 12:13:23 GMT
Also…..I am going to repost this comment from jeb here: To wade in here (at the request of several members): I think all of you on this thread have good points. Dullboat123 is not very politic in expressing them, which some valued members react to. As usual, it takes two to have an argument, and if you find someone's words unpleasant, you are advised to block them (which is not rude, and thanks to Alexandra for pointing that out.) I see where you all are coming from, and we all need to work more or less on our own attitudes. Extreme avoidants could be viewed as tests of our own security and groundedness; they are not "bad" because they fail to participate in whatever dance we wanted to dance with them, but unconsciously and *irrationally* strike out at threatening intimacy. Typically they can't control this behavior, but we can modify our own once we understand their behavior has much less to do with us than it does them and their early childhood experiences. Their defense mechanisms are deep and resistant to change, even when they want to change them. So, everybody, try to be kind to each other. This is a valuable discussion and learning to ignore bait ("you're wrong on the Internet, let me correct you...") is a valuable life skill we should all cultivate. Our son is 4 months old now, so forgive me for not participating much! I am doing everything I can to teach him security. Just learning to soothe his screaming without getting angry is a challenge for me. I can now understand fully why some parents give their infants the wrong signals and leave them insecure... I wonder if he meant "politic" or "polite"? |
|
