Why do avoidants come back?

it totally depends on the individual and the relationship.
and the level of awareness and health.
for instance, i would never return to the relationship that you have described with your ex, if i was the avoidant leaving.
it sounds toxic and totally incompatible.
But, i left and returned to my ex DA because i was conflicted about wether or not we could improve our relationship.
in the past i have returned out of the same dysfunction my exes had that caused them to reach out for me after i left.
it’s all dependent on THE DANCERS.

I never said always or never. Just a general question. The conversations I "hear" on here from avoidants sound like when a relationship ends, it's absolute that they don't come back to an AP, yet we know they tend to come back.

oh and also, i don’t go into relationships with AP’s, not since i got over PTSD.
the dynamic is not appealing at all to me and difficult to tolerate.
if i found myself with an AP partner i would leave and not return just because that shoe doesn’t fit me at all.
i think mary is the same? i would tag her to ask but don’t know how.

Hi everyone,

I would agree with Tgat and Mary- even though my ex is FA or maybe even a little DA- he told me he never goes back to ex's under any circumstance, meaning, he doesn't get back together with them or engage in what we did for 9 month. This could just be his overall personality, who knows? I also never go back with an ex- but I have with this one, over and over. So in this situation he and I were both acting differently.

I think it's a number of factors, personalities, the dynamic between you two. Sometimes we just have a harder time leaving someone or letting them go.

Hi Bedlam,

Not sure if this is a question for Mary and Tgat or in general, but that question is hard. I am still in love with my ex, but I also am aware that some of that is my attachment issues. In other words, I am feeling a lot of pain and I miss him very much, but I also have deep feelings of abandonment at play, so that can intensify my feelings and I'm trying to deal with those as well.

The fact that he is still not contacting me, is a blessing because I need to sort out these feelings and try to move on. He doesn't want me back, even though he may come back and try to do the dance a little longer with me, I have to remember that we are not able to truly be together if only one of us is getting help, and that he is actively choosing NOT to be with me and instead continue his old patterns. 

I know you are in a lot of pain, so am I, but what seems to help a bit, is to focus on the reality of the situation. AP's tend to cling to fantasy because it feels soothing, but in the end, it's quite damaging. Take the acute pain of seeing reality, versus the chronic pain of staying in fantasy.

Does that make sense? Feel like I rambled. 

Well if this helps at all, my ex told me that after he broke up with me and I went NC for almost 2 months, he had trouble concentrating, he went through "withdrawals" and could not even get work done. His close friend told me he was "rudderless" and all he did was drink heavily and act depressed.

Now when I finally saw my ex after that period, he never once said he missed me to my face, just that he went through withdrawals, etc- but his actions the following months showed me that he missed me and took it very hard. However, to this day, he does not verbalize what I mean to him, and while it appears that his stonewalling right now is because he doesnt care, i know in my heart he does.

So my point is, you need to think more about what you experienced with your partner and less in generalities. As you can see on this forum, Avoidants can do and act in different ways, the same as AP folks so it can be hard to get concrete answers to certain questions.

Only YOU know how things were with your ex. If you felt genuine love and care from her, then you must know that she misses you and loves you, that it's not just so easily over with- it may just be that she cannot express or show it and instead prefers to protect both herself and her feelings on her own. My ex was very selfish about looking after ONLY his needs, so when he came back he didn't really acknowledge my pain, only told me of his difficulties. I'm not saying that's because he is avoidant, that may be just who he is.

So look at the whole person and what your gut is telling you about your experience. Sit with it for a minute. Did you feel love from her? Only YOU can answer that. And if the answer is yes, then she absolutely took it hard.