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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 2:06:11 GMT
If you don't experience fear, anxiety, how can you feel love? I do experience fear and anxiety, but in a different way and not in relation to breakups. For example, I have a fear of heights. Anxiety to me is worry, so I will have anxiety/worry when I have a friend who is sick. I do experience fear in relationships, since my go to is flight. I don't understand the application of anxiety when it comes to breakups or other triggers. My triggered response to fear in relationships (engulfment) is flight/avoidance. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:12:36 GMT
Right, so an AP person is prone to a fight response. So it's not about disrespect, it's about an emotional response based on biosocial factors.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 2:17:27 GMT
Right, so an AP person is prone to a fight response. So it's not about disrespect, it's about an emotional response based on biosocial factors. It's not about disrespect for me, buuuuut (a big but), if the person is not communicating something, I would see it as disrespectful too. For instance, when I feel the need to back away, I will communicate that I need space and then do it. If the person is just stonewalling, that is disrespectful in my opinion. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:18:48 GMT
Do you experience a fear of loss or fear of rejection?
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:19:22 GMT
Right, so an AP person is prone to a fight response. So it's not about disrespect, it's about an emotional response based on biosocial factors. It's not about disrespect for me, buuuuut (a big but), if the person is not communicating something, I would see it as disrespectful too. For instance, when I feel the need to back away, I will communicate that I need space and then do it. If the person is just stonewalling, that is disrespectful in my opinion. Totally agree!!! |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:23:09 GMT
For me, it's how requesting space is communicated. There was not much asking. It was just reaching. Startimg something with me to get me anxious and angry to justify getting away from me. It's like.. just talk to me about it, but then that brings about a fear that I'm trying to control her.
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:23:42 GMT
Reaching=reacting
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 2:27:29 GMT
For me, it's how requesting space is communicated. There was not much asking. It was just reaching. Startimg something with me to get me anxious and angry to justify getting away from me. It's like.. just talk to me about it, but then that brings about a fear that I'm trying to control her. bedlam i am seriously curious about this: Do you somehow think that the extremely dysfunctional and toxic relationship of an avoidant/ anxious combo should have turned out better for you for some reason? I mean, what is it about your particular avoidant/ anxious dance that would keep you both from trampling each other’s toes? am i missing something? i get confused about what your objective is and i am not trying to be disrespectful. |
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guest
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Post by guest on Feb 7, 2018 2:48:34 GMT
Play nice kids, lets keep this constructive,
I would like to see what this conversation leads to.
Bedlam71, my fellow AP, easy with the tone, I'm guessing multiple direct posts prodding Mary's mindset might trigger some desire at disengagement in her.
I can see your point of veiw Bedlam71... If a partner said to me that they love me but feel smothered and need some personal space I would probably be more empathetic to the request than if they suddenly just started backing off.
I also recognize that avoidants reading this might think to themselves that they did communicate that need, but as an AP, I'm thinking not at a frequency we can pick up on.
Tgat, I genuinely loved my Avoidant, still do, even though I'm not pursuing her in anyway, dropped out of the audition process and started being true to myself. Looking back i realize I di that dance for love.
After all people do all sorts of stupid things for love.
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:48:45 GMT
I'm not sure what is confusing. I'm trying to understand how avoidants may experience things and someone asked for insight about what anxious ppl are thinking.
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 2:50:48 GMT
I honestly don't have a "tone". I'm asking questions.
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guest
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Post by guest on Feb 7, 2018 3:05:53 GMT
bedlam71, didn't mean to sound like I'm attacking you here. You asked quite a few pointed questions in a row, I'm not avoidant and it even made me feel like dropping out of this thread.
Mary and Tgat are putting themselves out there in a way that you and I cant' understand, lets exercise some empathy and patience and give them some response time.
Like I said I agree with where you are coming from and I know exactly how you feel, but I want this space to be inviting to open conversation, Our DA buddies probably need some extra time to process and think about your questions. If there's a few posts in a row in can be a little overwhelming.
Like I said, didn't mean to sound like I was attacking you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 3:12:24 GMT
no no haha i am not at all offended i was seriously confused.
it’s not a big deal to me i see the confusion.
i was just trying to be helpful answering questions and then i think they got weird but it didn’t bother me.
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 3:13:17 GMT
The questions being "pointed" is a judgmental interpretation. I asked direct questions for anyone to answer. Mary would comment and I would comment back or ask a question. The end. Nothing more, nothing less. Stop assuming the worst.
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guest
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Post by guest on Feb 7, 2018 3:18:39 GMT
No disrespect meant Bedlam71, maybe I just smoked too much tea tonight... ;-) I'll bow out, but keep lurking
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