Why do avoidants come back?

So how do you find out information without asking questions? I mean, Seriously. I'm done. Best of luck.

Whoa. I don't think anyone is saying not to ask questions.  It's more just that typically there's more of a sharing back and forth on threads.  With sharing on both sides, we can all move forward

Mary, i'll pick up where bedlam left off... have you ever approached a partner and stated something along the lines of "Hey, i love you but am feeling pretty smothered right now, can i ask you for a little space a this time in our relationship."?

honestly this was my experience as well with an anxious partner and i couldn’t understand it at all.
i actually had no idea that how i lived with lots of space around me was abnormal in any way, so i didn’t know to ask for space or time alone.
i just was confused!
i remember thinking that it was great to sit together outside in silence and just look at the trees and listen to the birds, i felt it was perfect but looked over to see him seething at being ignored. i was so irritated by this. i felt like everything was always ruined.
I didn’t know about attachment types or anything i just couldn’t figure out why he was so mad all the time. He would get so angry and i hadn’t felt i had done anything wrong at all, it was absolutely maddening to me. i was in the trap too because i stayed and kept trying to talk him out of his anger or retreat from it. gawd it was awful. a real trap.
he of course was clearly miserable thinking i was ignoring him but i just lived in my head. it wasn’t intentional until he got mad. i got mad too! ugh.

From what I have read there seem to be alot of instances where an the partner of an avoidant individual participates in a kind of semi relationship in the hope that things will change and interprets things -ie expressions of love, intermittent and confusing behaviour, conflicting statements, with their own glasses - perhaps rose tinted ones. Often the avoidant is directly communicating through words or indirectly through actions that they can't do this relationship - or at least not in a way that will satisfytheir partner. For whatever reason, we stay - maybe it's the oxytocin high of intimacy, maybe it's intermittent reinforcement, maybe past family history.

When the bubble bursts for the partner - or the avoidant leaves and suddenly there's no contact it may appear disrespectful - for many people talking things out is a way to get out and away from the horrors of uncertainty and perhaps had the honest talking happened whilst the relationship was in one piece and both partners actually believed what the other was saying, things would not have lasted that long. Clinging to hope makes the loss and the silience that comes after, very very painful.

What I believe is it is up to us to listen to each other - through words and actions - being with someone who is ambiguous is not a recipe for healthy relating and being with someone who says they don't want a relationship doesn't mean they need sorting out and fixing by you, it's a signal to yourself to exit however difficult and leave them to get on with their own journey without inflicting damage upon yourself.

Stonewalling and then reappearing asthough nothing has happen needs calling up and discussing when in a relationship and at this point you get to decide whether or not it works for you. Lack of contact with someone who have communicated that they are not capable of relating to you or don't want a relationship is not the same thing - it's painful because you want something from that person and the supply has been cut but whilst it seems cruel what is cruel in reality is staying in a relationship that is damaging to you, I know having been there, that in many ways the silence is a blessing that allows you to really process pain and move onwards - you can choose to see it that way or to feel victimised and take it personally or continue in attempts to understand which in reality keep you stuck/

So difficult I know and my heart goes out to everyone in that kind of situation at the moment.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I don't have to do or be who someone wants. If I don't answer your texts immediately, or do things at my pace, that's my business. Inconsiderate, yes, but my business all the same. Keep calling, texting, Facebook messaging and I will back away. At the end of the day, other people are their own people and can decide whether or not to participate in a relationship based on their own assessment of the situation. That's their business.

Hi Ocarina,

I really like what you said here. I agree that we cannot make people respond to us or in essence will them into wanting the same thing. I am now thinking had I listened to my ex, I would have heard how he didn't want a serious relationship from the beginning, just a casual monogamous one. At one point he told me decided to "come towards me" and have a real relationship and we did for a time, then he abruptly pulled out- I think he felt trapped. At any rate, I can see how hard it was for me to truly hear him because of his actions and ambivalence. 

He is stonewalling me now, going on 13 days and each day I feel so discarded- I don't want to be a victim here, but I have left him alone in silence and do not ask him to respond, however, he knows how incredibly painful this is as he has experienced it himself- we even made a pact never to do it again to each other, if we wish to never speak again, we will tell each other- so this makes things harder for me. However you are so right- holding onto hope is far worse. thank you for this post.