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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 19:15:25 GMT
But what if you are in love with your ex? How do you deal with that? I think this is a question that everyone asks, no matter your attachment style. It does seem to be a harder, longer process for APs, just from what I've read here. I am still in love with my ex, but I don't obssess about it. It's just not part of my inner workings. I think if we can work things out, there is a chance we will get back together, but if not, I know that I can move forward. I don't think that loving your ex has anything to do with the ability to get over it and move on. That's just me though and I know I have an entirely different mindset from others. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 20:00:10 GMT
Well if this helps at all, my ex told me that after he broke up with me and I went NC for almost 2 months, he had trouble concentrating, he went through "withdrawals" and could not even get work done. His close friend told me he was "rudderless" and all he did was drink heavily and act depressed. Now when I finally saw my ex after that period, he never once said he missed me to my face, just that he went through withdrawals, etc- but his actions the following months showed me that he missed me and took it very hard. However, to this day, he does not verbalize what I mean to him, and while it appears that his stonewalling right now is because he doesnt care, i know in my heart he does. So my point is, you need to think more about what you experienced with your partner and less in generalities. As you can see on this forum, Avoidants can do and act in different ways, the same as AP folks so it can be hard to get concrete answers to certain questions. Only YOU know how things were with your ex. If you felt genuine love and care from her, then you must know that she misses you and loves you, that it's not just so easily over with- it may just be that she cannot express or show it and instead prefers to protect both herself and her feelings on her own. My ex was very selfish about looking after ONLY his needs, so when he came back he didn't really acknowledge my pain, only told me of his difficulties. I'm not saying that's because he is avoidant, that may be just who he is. So look at the whole person and what your gut is telling you about your experience. Sit with it for a minute. Did you feel love from her? Only YOU can answer that. And if the answer is yes, then she absolutely took it hard. Thank you Kristy. Very helpful. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:11:05 GMT
But what if you are in love with your ex? How do you deal with that? I think this is a question that everyone asks, no matter your attachment style. It does seem to be a harder, longer process for APs, just from what I've read here. I am still in love with my ex, but I don't obssess about it. It's just not part of my inner workings. I think if we can work things out, there is a chance we will get back together, but if not, I know that I can move forward. I don't think that loving your ex has anything to do with the ability to get over it and move on. That's just me though and I know I have an entirely different mindset from others. same |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 6, 2018 21:26:02 GMT
I can agree with that Mary and Tgat. Do you reach out to try to communicate with your exes?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:32:53 GMT
I can agree with that Mary and Tgat. Do you reach out to try to communicate with your exes? i am still in touch with mine. we went through a period of backing away and minimal contact. we have recently talked about the things we liked about our relationship but also come to that uncomfortable impasse about not being able to put together a stable relationship, primarily because of the issues he has yet to confront or address in a way that creates a sufficient bridge. so at this point we do value awh others presence in our lives but he knows i am starting to date again. he accepts that and we don’t talk about it, it’s recent. but just this morning we texted about a planting pot i am going to put a cactus in for him. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:35:58 GMT
it’s sad but doable. i would rather this than no contact.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:46:51 GMT
An avoidant who is not ready is immovable.
like a mountain.
i understand and accept this.
it has to be their own process and only they can do it.
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 6, 2018 21:47:04 GMT
Yeah the no contact is awful. We talked daily and now there is this void. I dont know if he is feeling it too, but he initiated not talkin so maybe he feels relief. I feel like its getting harder each fay being ignored. I want to reach out, but i cant. 😭
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:50:23 GMT
Yeah the no contact is awful. We talked daily and now there is this void. I dont know if he is feeling it too, but he initiated not talkin so maybe he feels relief. I feel like its getting harder each fay being ignored. I want to reach out, but i cant. 😭 i am so sorry kristyrose.  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 21:52:01 GMT
he has gone no contact with you.
it is excruciating for some people to go no contact.
sometimes they feel relief.
you cannot know. im sorry.
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Post by ocarina on Feb 6, 2018 21:54:00 GMT
An avoidant who is not ready is immovable. like a mountain. i understand and accept this. it has to be their own process and only they can do it. Absolutely - this is the point that I have also reached - and I think it's only respectful to the other person to allow this process to happen, to give them the ability to either journey in this direction on there own or to choose that the path is too difficult. It is natural to want things to be different - but it's mature to see things as they are and allow them to be inspite of our own preferences - I think that's where true growth can happen for both partners. Control and manipulation however well meaning - suggesting that "I know best" is not appropriate in a grown up equal relationship. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 6, 2018 21:55:06 GMT
Yes, not knowing is so hard, T.
Usually i know its hard for him because i usually break it first and he immediately sees me and its bliss.
Now i know that means very little. This is the longest he has initiated and really he didnt state it, he just ignored my communication. Not a word in 12 days.
Nothing to do but sit with the pain.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 22:08:18 GMT
i know it’s awful for you.
i have at times been so exasperated by my own pain.
it’s exhausting.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 22:39:09 GMT
I can agree with that Mary and Tgat. Do you reach out to try to communicate with your exes? My ex and I are still in contact. Not every day, but we do chat comfortably when we want. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 22:39:46 GMT
An avoidant who is not ready is immovable. like a mountain. i understand and accept this. it has to be their own process and only they can do it. Totally agree! |
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