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Post by yasmin on Feb 6, 2018 22:50:04 GMT
But what if you are in love with your ex? How do you deal with that? I think this is a question that everyone asks, no matter your attachment style. It does seem to be a harder, longer process for APs, just from what I've read here. I am still in love with my ex, but I don't obssess about it. It's just not part of my inner workings. I think if we can work things out, there is a chance we will get back together, but if not, I know that I can move forward. I don't think that loving your ex has anything to do with the ability to get over it and move on. That's just me though and I know I have an entirely different mindset from others. I am the same but just not obsessing. I miss him and there are moments of deep sadness but I just carry on with life so that feeling is only 1% of my day. I think anxiety is harder to deal with than missing soneone you love and want. Anxiety causes you to think of nothing else. |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 23:01:24 GMT
An avoidant who is not ready is immovable. like a mountain. i understand and accept this. it has to be their own process and only they can do it. Absolutely - this is the point that I have also reached - and I think it's only respectful to the other person to allow this process to happen, to give them the ability to either journey in this direction on there own or to choose that the path is too difficult. It is natural to want things to be different - but it's mature to see things as they are and allow them to be inspite of our own preferences - I think that's where true growth can happen for both partners. Control and manipulation however well meaning - suggesting that "I know best" is not appropriate in a grown up equal relationship. very well said ocarina! |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2018 23:16:37 GMT
I think this is a question that everyone asks, no matter your attachment style. It does seem to be a harder, longer process for APs, just from what I've read here. I am still in love with my ex, but I don't obssess about it. It's just not part of my inner workings. I think if we can work things out, there is a chance we will get back together, but if not, I know that I can move forward. I don't think that loving your ex has anything to do with the ability to get over it and move on. That's just me though and I know I have an entirely different mindset from others. I am the same but just not obsessing. I miss him and there are moments of deep sadness but I just carry on with life so that feeling is only 1% of my day. I think anxiety is harder to deal with than missing soneone you love and want. Anxiety causes you to think of nothing else. This is interesting and I never thought of it. Is it the anxiety that causes some people to be stuck in the obsession rut rather than just missing the person? Maybe the anxiety feels like they miss the person/sadness, but in reality, it's just anxiety? I'm not sure what I am talking about, but this just popped in my head when I read your post. |
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Post by kristyrose on Feb 6, 2018 23:42:43 GMT
Hi Mary and everyone,
I think I can shed some light on that.
For me, the anxiety can go in waves and it will make me think of nothing else but what HE is thinking or what HE may do next. When I self-soothe and calm down, I realize that it doesn't matter what he is thinking or doing, what matters is that we want different things and I am heartbroken.
So anxiety can make me obsess for sure, but as an AP working towards secure, I am learning how to calm myself, thinking more logically and stay with my pain rather than look to him to soothe it.
One thing that makes a difference here too, is that for some of you, your ex's are still reaching out, or you are the ones that ended it- so that does change the dynamics for you as well. For me, i did not want to end it, I was fooled somehow into thinking that by dating me again for such a long time he felt the same, only to be dumped again and now ignored
So the pain of that in itself, has nothing to do with being AP, or anxious, it's just pure pain of thinking the person you loved was on the same page- being ignored btw, can trigger everyone and it's quite hard to keep reminding yourself that you are not disposable, you are not invisible, you are still loved.
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Post by guest on Feb 6, 2018 23:54:24 GMT
I am the same but just not obsessing. I miss him and there are moments of deep sadness but I just carry on with life so that feeling is only 1% of my day. I think anxiety is harder to deal with than missing soneone you love and want. Anxiety causes you to think of nothing else. . Is it the anxiety that causes some people to be stuck in the obsession rut rather than just missing the person? Maybe the anxiety feels like they miss the person/sadness, but in reality, it's just anxiety? I'm not sure what I am talking about, but this just popped in my head when I read your post. When I got back together with my Avoidant after the last time she broke up with me, we had an emotional conversation where in I told her that continueing to date her after breaking up felt like I was constantly auditioning and that feeling coupled with her avoidant quarks eventually sent my anxiety through the roof. Her reaction was pretty much the highlighted words in Mary's reply. |
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Post by guest on Feb 6, 2018 23:56:31 GMT
I think it was a little eureka moment for her
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 0:00:51 GMT
This is interesting and I never thought of it. Is it the anxiety that causes some people to be stuck in the obsession rut rather than just missing the person? Maybe the anxiety feels like they miss the person/sadness, but in reality, it's just anxiety? I'm not sure what I am talking about, but this just popped in my head when I read your post. When I got back together with my Avoidant after the last time she broke up with me, we had an emotional conversation where in I told her that continueing to date her after breaking up felt like I was constantly auditioning and that feeling coupled with her avoidant quarks eventually sent my anxiety through the roof. Her reaction was pretty much the highlighted words in Mary's reply. bip i am so glad you were able to express that to her for your own sake. and maybe it helped her. for if she ever gets in process to grow. |
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Post by guest on Feb 7, 2018 0:15:58 GMT
Eventually I'll share my whole story here Tgat... but for now I'll ad that in the same conversation I brought up that in the woe is me days after the final messy breakup I read up on attachment theory without pathologizing her and told her how I found it emotional liberating and it gave me an appreciation for how much she let me in her life. Felt good to share that as well.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 0:31:35 GMT
This is interesting and I never thought of it. Is it the anxiety that causes some people to be stuck in the obsession rut rather than just missing the person? Maybe the anxiety feels like they miss the person/sadness, but in reality, it's just anxiety? I'm not sure what I am talking about, but this just popped in my head when I read your post. When I got back together with my Avoidant after the last time she broke up with me, we had an emotional conversation where in I told her that continueing to date her after breaking up felt like I was constantly auditioning and that feeling coupled with her avoidant quarks eventually sent my anxiety through the roof. Her reaction was pretty much the highlighted words in Mary's reply. Yes, I definitely don't understand anxiety, what it feels like or what causes it. It sounds like she doesn't either. It's such a different perspective as I am sure you know. We live in different "realities". Hopefully, your conversation helped her to understand where you are coming from. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 0:45:53 GMT
An avoidant who is not ready is immovable. like a mountain. i understand and accept this. it has to be their own process and only they can do it. Absolutely - this is the point that I have also reached - and I think it's only respectful to the other person to allow this process to happen, to give them the ability to either journey in this direction on there own or to choose that the path is too difficult. It is natural to want things to be different - but it's mature to see things as they are and allow them to be inspite of our own preferences - I think that's where true growth can happen for both partners. Control and manipulation however well meaning - suggesting that "I know best" is not appropriate in a grown up equal relationship. The other side of that is the person that wants to communicate and it feels disrespectful when getting stonewalled and can't have a dialogue. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 0:51:24 GMT
I think the anxiety for me comes from the mixed messages and wondering what the truth is/was. Intermittent reinforcement is hell. That's why gambling addiction is so hard to treat. One day I can feel safe, the next day I'm dumped because I expressed an emotion.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2018 0:52:55 GMT
Absolutely - this is the point that I have also reached - and I think it's only respectful to the other person to allow this process to happen, to give them the ability to either journey in this direction on there own or to choose that the path is too difficult. It is natural to want things to be different - but it's mature to see things as they are and allow them to be inspite of our own preferences - I think that's where true growth can happen for both partners. Control and manipulation however well meaning - suggesting that "I know best" is not appropriate in a grown up equal relationship. The other side of that is the person that wants to communicate and it feels disrespectful when getting stonewalled and can't have a dialogue. i totally get that but i just view it as, if you feel disrespected and that the communication in your relationship is unhealthy , and you have a partner unwilling to meet what you think you need, the healthy solution seems to be to accept this partner is not good for you and let them go so you can develop a better relationship with a partner more compatible. i don’t see it as healthy to try to exert your will or ideas for a relationship against the willl of an unwilling partner. that’s a power struggle is all. and it demeans both partners. |
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Post by guest on Feb 7, 2018 0:58:56 GMT
When I got back together with my Avoidant after the last time she broke up with me, we had an emotional conversation where in I told her that continueing to date her after breaking up felt like I was constantly auditioning and that feeling coupled with her avoidant quarks eventually sent my anxiety through the roof. Her reaction was pretty much the highlighted words in Mary's reply. Yes, I definitely don't understand anxiety, what it feels like or what causes it. It sounds like she doesn't either. It's such a different perspective as I am sure you know. We live in different "realities". Hopefully, your conversation helped her to understand where you are coming from. Mary, i think this resonated with her, because her daughter suffers from crippling anxiety at times and acts overly hostile and mean to my ex. When I first saw it happen, I thought my ex was being calm and rational with her daughter, however after seeing that "stonewalling" seemingly emotional-less behavior our first break-up, I had a better understanding of why her daughter was acting up. During our first post break-up make-up date, I gently brought this up with her, stating that I'm not flinging mud or trying to be venomous with my accusation (of the sugar-coating) but I felt that her daughter was merely fishing for some sort of emotional response from her mom, even if it was anger. Keep in mind that this is months before i discovered the whole attachment theory thing. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 1:42:19 GMT
The other side of that is the person that wants to communicate and it feels disrespectful when getting stonewalled and can't have a dialogue. i totally get that but i just view it as, if you feel disrespected and that the communication in your relationship is unhealthy , and you have a partner unwilling to meet what you think you need, the healthy solution seems to be to accept this partner is not good for you and let them go so you can develop a better relationship with a partner more compatible. i don’t see it as healthy to try to exert your will or ideas for a relationship against the willl of an unwilling partner. that’s a power struggle is all. and it demeans both partners. Emotions/love is not logical. |
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Post by bedlam71 on Feb 7, 2018 1:44:04 GMT
If you don't experience fear, anxiety, how can you feel love?
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