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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 22:50:22 GMT
My DA partner is over busy and stressed a lot, most are i think. He recognizes it as unsustainable and that is something he is working on in therapy, but as a side note it seems to be a perpetual issue with DA men. My partner is aware that he stays busy specifically to avoid pain and feelings of loneliness. So as a side note, that is difficult for them to change because it's a coping mechanism. the things he is busy with are all legitimate and pressing things but he hopes to be able to choose some of them out of the way which is something people off all types struggle with. Anyway, I digress. My dynamic with my partner is a bit different because when he would fail to show up consistently, i broke up with him. I had decided i wanted to maintain consistency or at least try, so i made that a boundary. Ha, then broke up because he didn't meet my need with that- that was good for me at the time. I have read other stories about a partner pulling back, even disappearing, for long periods of time. I wouldn't tolerate that so i don't have experience with it It's true that your situation, working together, clouds the issue. But, ithe fact that he is maintaining contact outside of the four walls with lunch and stuff is not meaningless, as far as i see it. i don't have a very good answer. But i know my partner takes his responsibilities ultra seriously and his natural inclination is to starve himself emotionally when he is stressed, and work like a machine. That has changed over time and he appreciates it, but without losing our down time together (with me rubbing his head and taking naps with him ( a first in his life, naps when there are things to do but i nap all the time  ) my guess is he would have easily behaved that way. I just didn't like it and went away when he started to fade. Mad and sad, but i went away. I just wasn't willing to find out- i took myself out of his equation when he tried it. So i guess in your situation i already would have cooled my response to him and declined lunch and whatnot. I wouldn't be downgraded in my eyes to a lower status than i previously enjoyed. We would have already had the talk. It might have ended things then and there and i would squirm a little and then distance. But i am DA so it's a different approach. but that's why i urged a direct talk in the other thread. |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 22, 2018 22:53:30 GMT
In my opinion, it is just a matter of time until a "permanently stressed partner" turns to you and accuses you or the relationship as being the cause for his stress, particularly if you dare stating what you dont like and asking for your needs to be met. Some of the sources of stress he can control, and some others not. In an attempt to gain back control, he may cut you loose, because he firmly believes that getting rid of you will restore his balance, which is not the case.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 22:57:18 GMT
Hi Juniper! Yes, he did tell me once that, after his divorce, he just kept as busy as he could and got involved in everything and anything. He works hard and plays hard. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if he is being completely honest when he says he is not pulling away from me and that his feelings haven't changed because it sure feels like it. I'm wondering if things, by some chance, do become normal again soon, that it will happen over and over whenever his life gets hectic. i don't want to prolong a bad situation by mistake if that is what it is, but i find my DA to be remarkably true to his word even if it isn't what i want to hear. If any DA i know doesn't have feelings they will say it. But if you challenged it and were emotionally honest with him he might be able to help you. He is likely not adequately considering the emotional impact on you. That's another DA thing but often if you tell us you are hurting, if we want to keep the relationship we will try to adjust and help. That's mybexperience in my relationship of two DA but i don't know if Ap/Da dynamic changes that. But i still think you should be bold. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 22:57:49 GMT
Sorry, I posted before you finished. Yes, I may have set a precedence. Oh boy....what to do, what to do... don't worry, he isn't going anywhere you have time to work it out here.  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 22:59:09 GMT
In my opinion, it is just a matter of time until a "permanently stressed DA partner" turns to you and accuses you or the relationship as being the cause for his stress, particularly if you dare stating what you dont like and asking for your needs to be met. Some of the sources of stress he can control, and some others not. In an attempt to gain back control, he may cut you loose, because he firmly believes that getting rid of you will restore his balance, which is not the case. i haven't found this to be accurate in my case but again, the dynamic might just be different with two DA. it's complicated lol |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:03:07 GMT
In my opinion, it is just a matter of time until a "permanently stressed DA partner" turns to you and accuses you or the relationship as being the cause for his stress, particularly if you dare stating what you dont like and asking for your needs to be met. Some of the sources of stress he can control, and some others not. In an attempt to gain back control, he may cut you loose, because he firmly believes that getting rid of you will restore his balance, which is not the case. I'm not understanding that because I am not causing him any stress. He has asked for patience while things are hectic and I have agreed. Or, are you saying if I do talk to him about it? Seriously, if he punished or blamed you in any way for approaching him respectfully and calmly to talk about your need he doesn't deserve you and it's better to know that NOW. If a DA wants to preserve the relationship they will try. It happens. I don't care what the literature says. I see it over and over with friends who aren't being interviewed for books and studies lol. But you never know until you try. You don't have to go along with his plan or idea without questioning it or having some needs around it. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:11:16 GMT
don't worry, he isn't going anywhere you have time to work it out here. Thank you. I still have a bit of hope. The difference with me and most AP's is that I hide my anxiety very well. I don't tend to trigger him. He told me recently that he loves spending time with me because it is relaxing, calming and peaceful. Maybe that's too much for him  no, it's not. my DA told me the same thing, that he never felt as peaceful and calm as he does with me. It's not too much. It's an oasis probably. I'm willing to bet that is why he is still seeking you out and reassuring you. But again- don't even bother with hope, just act like a scientist and go get some information lol. Do your best to find out what it actually is. Hope in one hand and (?) in the other... Hope should be less important than speaking up and finding out if he can meet you where you need to be a little more instead of you just having to meet him where he is at. A little compromise won't happen if you don't tell him you want it. Just see what he says, is my advice.  |
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 22, 2018 23:12:05 GMT
In my opinion, it is just a matter of time until a "permanently stressed DA partner" turns to you and accuses you or the relationship as being the cause for his stress, particularly if you dare stating what you dont like and asking for your needs to be met. Some of the sources of stress he can control, and some others not. In an attempt to gain back control, he may cut you loose, because he firmly believes that getting rid of you will restore his balance, which is not the case. I'm not understanding that because I am not causing him any stress. He has asked for patience while things are hectic and I have agreed. Or, are you saying if I do talk to him about it? You are holding yourself back, as I understood from your first post. "You hide it pretty well", whatever it is that you are hiding. You are trying to be supportive in agreeing for his request of space, but you forget about what you need. You experience disappointments and behave indulging about his last minute cancelling, and fail to see that it is a disrespect of your time when he does it again and again. The issue is, that as long as you are in the dance, you wont see all of this. If you succeed to remain low maintenance, the relationship may have a chance, under his terms. I am not judging your choices, I can only tell you what I see from what you wrote. There are different levels of tolerance for each of us. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:12:14 GMT
No, I have talked to him about my feelings at times and he has been very gracious and understanding. If it triggered him, he did not show it. 👍👍👍 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:37:56 GMT
Alright! I will! I think it would be best to wait until early next week because he has his kids until Monday morning right now. They have tryouts and finals this weekend. He was dreading it because it is exhausting. I will see him at work tomorrow but I would prefer not to open a can of worms before the weekend when he won't be available. i think this sounds very reasonable. and rather than worry about what he will say, try to read about your own attachment style and also congratulate yourself that regardless of the outcome you are respecting yourself and showing love and support for yourself by advocating for your needs, which are valid no matter what his issue is, or isnt. You have a right to take up space , thou don't have to shrink to be with ANYBODY. And i don't know if he is DA, or ED, lol... or whatever. doesn't matter as much as what's going on with you and whether or not you are taking good care of yourself. That's the only way to get anything you want. You have to do it. and if it isn't him, that can give it to you, you will be ok. It is a process to learn to recognize yourself and not just another person. That is what i think. I don't know if anyone agrees but that's my advice on the whole thing. Have a great weekend even tho you don't know all the answers yet! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:48:16 GMT
Ok, I get ya. Yes, I am very understanding when he cancels because it usually has to do with his kids or work. I am a mom and my kids will always come first as well. He would never give me a hard time over that. My issues are more that he doesn't see his lack of "time appropriateness" as an issue but I know it is not meant to hurt me...he actually thinks that way. He really just doesn't get it. So, I will tell him if I'm upset about something but I do not go all AP on his @ss, if ya know what I mean. I keep my craziness to myself but, most times, after I calm down and think about it, I realize I'm being irrational. That's what we AP's do, we expect the worst and hop right on the crazy train without thinking logically, lashing out with texts, etc. Once, some time has passed, If I still have an issue, I'll bring it up. As far as the last 2 months goes, the man I love, has asked me to trust him, be patient and give him some time while his life is hectic. Why would I give him a hard time over that? Wouldn't you do that for someone you love? He is the way he is and I don't want to change him. I just need to figure out if I can be happy with him. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. from what i read he was giving you a lot of time for a DA. that's a good thing as i see it. Time is very very difficult for me, for plannings. my DA has a major issue as well. it is very hard for me to change spontaneous planning, and rapid shifts are normal and most comfortable for me and him. It is definitely an issue for many people and o totally understand and support the need for reliability there, for some people. It is something you have to decide about. It really is. My DA relationship is not impacted negatively by it although sure we could get disappointed about a conflict of timing. but it is a small thing not a big thing. I know that is totally weird. But that's how it is. Some DA plan better. some dont. I don't and it's very hard to change. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 23:50:05 GMT
Thanks so much Juniper. I really appreciate your wisdom. He is most definitely DA without the extreme harshness. But, I can understand him now and I am working on not taking things personally. I'm trying to look at things as he might be thinking it so I don't take offense and jump to conclusions. If these last 2 months is going to be the norm with him, I'll have to move on even though it will break my heart. But, I know I'll be ok...eventually. i think you sound wise. You have to know your line but find out the info you need first, is all. Yep, you will be ok. We all have broken up and it sucks but if you are doing it to be true to you, at least you have that self respect. priceless. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 0:02:17 GMT
@breakingthespell, I don't mean to come off harsh. I hope you don't take it that way. I totally get what you are saying and you are right. This is what I am trying to navigate, what I can/ cannot accept and what he can/cannot accept. I just don't know exactly what I'm dealing with yet. But,I do really appreciate your response. yes and i think @breakingthespell has excellent input, also. my take was just you need more info and my advice is Get It and go from there. Sounds like you have a good plan and congratulations on taking action on it at the earliest reasonable opportunity! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 0:08:02 GMT
from what i read he was giving you a lot of time for a DA. that's a good thing as i see it. Time is very very difficult for me, for plannings. my DA has a major issue as well. it is very hard for me to change spontaneous planning, and rapid shifts are normal and most comfortable for me and him. It is definitely an issue for many people and o totally understand and support the need for reliability there, for some people. It is something you have to decide about. It really is. My DA relationship is not impacted negatively by it although sure we could get disappointed about a conflict of timing. but it is a small thing not a big thing. I know that is totally weird. But that's how it is. Some DA plan better. some dont. I don't and it's very hard to change. Yes, the rapid time shifts, haha! He will ask if I want company that night but then get caught up at work while I am sitting home waiting for him, only to get a text later on that he was still at work, but was still trying to get here. Couple of hours later the same. Couple of hours later, the sorry, not gonna make it text, grrrrr. Drives me nuts. When I brought it up to him he didn't think it was a big deal and said, if I wanted, just go do something else, that's what he would do. He did say he'd make an effort to try and let me know earlier though. He really doesn't see the issue because it wouldn't be an issue for him. If I didn't show up by a certain time, he'd figured I got busy and go find something else to do. That's what he said. We just think different, that's all... ah yes. the difference is , i make another plan with just one postponement, i would shift right there and not wait. i actually did wait at first because i had nothing going on and he was busier then i realized i didn't like to do that and would text back- that's ok i am going to bed or whatever it is i wanted to do otherwise. then we could do it when it worked better. that way it was easy come easy go, no taking it personally. it's the most realistic thing for us both ways. but especially from him because he is self employed and there is not set schedule for what he is doing, it takes what it takes and there is no way around it. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2018 0:14:02 GMT
but honestly, if i have to make a plan in advance to do something i won't do it, i will likely forego it.
it's complicated.
i won't excuse it, but there are reasons. i don't put people out too much with it. i don't expect someone to tolerate a bunch of cancellations so i tend to stay more to myself.
i'm a lot better in a lot of ways than i used to be but time hasn't changed very much. some, but not much.
i have a very relaxed schedule compared to most and keep things very loose with commitments where i can.
many DA i know are the same, maybe we need to be on an island together lol.
i don't make plans ahead, often.
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) my guess is he would have easily behaved that way. I just didn't like it and went away when he started to fade. Mad and sad, but i went away. 
