Is this a DA thing?

YEP. and for me, i don't remember years, how long ago something happened, what day it is, blah blah blah. No concept of time.
Idk. it's hard.

yes the time thing is the hardest for me also.
i have changed a LOT but that i can't seem to.
he is doing more than i would be able to. I can't have my kids in that much stuff because of this issue but they do have activities we can manage. They like the freedom and ease too actually.

But yes, you need more time outside of work.
Honestly, i would not do that either.
I have a sex drive and wouldn't go for that for a minute!! lol!
but it's more than that.

I hope that he is in a temporary pinch like he says. It sounds realistic to me.

and yes the more you share the more he sounds like a DA.
he sounds so much like me actually but i am not that busy.

i check my schedule daily to know what is on it. I don't know about next week either. I didn't know people did. do you? that's hard to imagine. i mean, i now there are some things but i mark it as soon as i know about it and then have to check every day, several times a day to stay on track. and i'm not that busy.

I think it's a DA trait used for distancing, not necessarily a DA trait (it's not who I am). I can definitely plan in advance and stick to the plan in most areas of my life. I actually prefer to keep a schedule. However, I can and have used time as a distancing option. If I feel smothered, annoyed or someone is asking for too much time, I will use it to distance.

i think it's very individual actually.
i don't have any feelings of being smothered , i just struggle with structured time, period.
I have routines for my kids and other practical areas but otherwise i need things loose.
I have considered it quite a bit, whether it comes from not having logistical stability as a kid, but being oppressed emotionally, also being driven into my imagination by feeling isolated all my life, and years of living in a dissociated state that i was unaware of. I think it's complex for me.
I literally have a time-recognition deficit and it occurs across the board even with things that are important and crucial to my well being.
Even to figure out time to arrange a day i have to take special care to pause and count out time allotments. it's just a real struggle. I think it comes from personality tendencies also. I am a non-linear in a lot of processes, mentally and in my routines. I'm artistic and creative, maybe that plays in.

Very fluid and freeform.

So that's why i wrote that some DA's can plan, some don't. I have friends that are great time keepers and like plans, and i have those that aren't.

Thankfully in my particular relationship we both are very similar and spontaneity works well. If we miss something together, we make it up ASAP. It's just very fluid.

Otherwise i have no social plans, i am spontaneous and i have friends that love that too. So i think we just tend to end up with people on a similar wavelength (if we like to avoid hassles, which i do lol)

I love hearing the experience of other avoidants, it helps me with some internal things.

i see this a little differently.
I find a lot of DA men to be hyper responsible in their lives, and very reliable for their friends, careers, dependent parents if they are old enough, etc.
It's a generalization but i see it quite a bit. The thing is, the priority for a DA isn't a romantic relationship. if their relationship is difficult, a DA partner will not go as far to try to salvage it as an anxious partner would. it can be a very realistic view, to them. Most DA i know understand full well that they are likely to be unable to satisfy the needs of a lot of partners. and will readily admit it. I have seen DA release a relationship because it would not realistically meet the needs of the partner.  

But they can't win. Release the relationship, they are bad. Stay, they are inadequate. The answer, to keep a particular partner, is is to change. Fundamentally. Ok. But many like their lives and priorities (and selves ) the way they are even if it is stressful, and they do a lot of good in the world taking care of their chosen priorities.

Being unable to have a satisfying relationship with a particular partner (especially an anxious partner, because this is an extremely challenging dynamic for both) does not make one a bad and selfish person.

And control of ones life, time, and priorities is not bad either. I wonder how many incredible people in my life that I don't need a romantic relationship with , are DA, and amazing at what they do for me. An intimate romantic relationship is not necessarily the magnum opus of a DA's life and that's ok. Something else is. I'm sure the world is a better place for it, actually! A human life does not have to be a romantically satisfying one to be deeply meaningful and valuable to the person living it.
If we DA want an intimate relationship, we have to do deep work like anyone else. But we might not need to morph for one partner like we would for another. That's ok too!!! And saying nothing bad about a partner. If two people are incompatible who is the wrong one?
l

I think we all have the freedom to choose the life we want to live.

And, i have seen my partner really examining what he can change to achieve balance. He has had losses and pain and he is over stressed. This is not uncommon in the world today.

Our relationship is not difficult and he makes an effort to adjust things to be available. He is humble about his inadequacy to be a good partner for lots of women who need more. He isn't insensitive to that. But he also is dedicated to what is important to him. that is often , service to others. It happens that i am much the same and that's why we work. He doesn't blame me for his stress, at all.

I admire him. If our relationship was too difficult to maintain, we would stop. But i still would admire and respect his own force of will to do what is important to him.

He is a work in progress. So am I. So is everyone on the board.

An AP/DA partnership is one of the most difficult and traumatic possible, without huge awareness and mutual humility to work on individual issues.

Generalky, I don't think there is enough humble recognition of the shared responsibility for the difficulty of this dynamic.

But , depending on the individuals and factors unrelated to attachment style, with awareness and work it could be sustainable. There are lots of things that would have to go right in support of it- but it's not impossible.

If it doesn't work, who is wrong? It's two people with attachment injuries. Mercy and understanding can go to both sides.

Juniper that is very very well said - so often the DA talks about the mad ex and the AP about the emotionally disabled ex - the reality is we are all struggling in our own way to make sense of the world.

It is so tempting, when we are hurt, to lay blame at the other person's door and yet in doing so we miss the golden opportunity to address our own demons and to heal.

Thanks for posting this.