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Post by mrob on Apr 3, 2018 16:15:54 GMT
Hi juniper. So, not sure what's happening with Mr.Man but I had to drive one of the kiddos back to school today in bad weather (2 hrs each way). He was texting and calling me because he was worried about me. Left me a super cute msg to call or text him that I was ok. This is so new. I admit, I really liked it, LOL Not sure if he has worried about me before. If he has, he hasn't really shown it. He always says drive carefully, be safe, etc. and he'll text me if I'm late for work. But, this was different. He seemed really relieved when I finally called him. Anyway, it's a different side of him I guess. I made plans with him to spend tomorrow evening together. We'll see... How are you doing today??? My last “not a relationship” partner and I met up for coffee recently. She has moved on to a far safer man, and in the conversation she suggested that we all get together. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her give what she gave to me, to someone else. I don’t mean sex, I mean the intimacy, the looks, all the stuff that comes with an intimate relationship. She sat back in the chair, visibly shaken and said “So you did love me”. Times like that, this whole insecure attachment stuff, no matter how it manifests, is just cruel. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 16:41:12 GMT
Hi juniper. So, not sure what's happening with Mr.Man but I had to drive one of the kiddos back to school today in bad weather (2 hrs each way). He was texting and calling me because he was worried about me. Left me a super cute msg to call or text him that I was ok. This is so new. I admit, I really liked it, LOL Not sure if he has worried about me before. If he has, he hasn't really shown it. He always says drive carefully, be safe, etc. and he'll text me if I'm late for work. But, this was different. He seemed really relieved when I finally called him. Anyway, it's a different side of him I guess. I made plans with him to spend tomorrow evening together. We'll see... How are you doing today??? My last “not a relationship” partner and I met up for coffee recently. She has moved on to a far safer man, and in the conversation she suggested that we all get together. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her give what she gave to me, to someone else. I don’t mean sex, I mean the intimacy, the looks, all the stuff that comes with an intimate relationship. She sat back in the chair, visibly shaken and said “So you did love me”. Times like that, this whole insecure attachment stuff, no matter how it manifests, is just cruel. i'm so sorry mrob. my heart hurt when i read that. do you mind sharing how you responded? are you getting enough support to heal? |
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Post by goldilocks on Apr 3, 2018 16:57:00 GMT
Hi juniper . So, not sure what's happening with Mr.Man but I had to drive one of the kiddos back to school today in bad weather (2 hrs each way). He was texting and calling me because he was worried about me. Left me a super cute msg to call or text him that I was ok. This is so new. I admit, I really liked it, LOL Not sure if he has worried about me before. If he has, he hasn't really shown it. He always says drive carefully, be safe, etc. and he'll text me if I'm late for work. But, this was different. He seemed really relieved when I finally called him. Anyway, it's a different side of him I guess. I made plans with him to spend tomorrow evening together. We'll see... How are you doing today??? My last “not a relationship” partner and I met up for coffee recently. She has moved on to a far safer man, and in the conversation she suggested that we all get together. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her give what she gave to me, to someone else. I don’t mean sex, I mean the intimacy, the looks, all the stuff that comes with an intimate relationship. She sat back in the chair, visibly shaken and said “So you did love me”. Times like that, this whole insecure attachment stuff, no matter how it manifests, is just cruel. Sounds like it was an intense moment for both of you. Attachment wounding is indeed very painful and the path to healing is not fully charted. No one is irretrievably damaged... No matter how hard the road is, your healing is worth fighting for and the greatest possible gift to yourself. I trust that you can do it, and you show evidence of it by making your boundaries clear. Miracles do happen! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 17:01:37 GMT
My last “not a relationship” partner and I met up for coffee recently. She has moved on to a far safer man, and in the conversation she suggested that we all get together. I told her that I don’t think I could handle seeing her give what she gave to me, to someone else. I don’t mean sex, I mean the intimacy, the looks, all the stuff that comes with an intimate relationship. She sat back in the chair, visibly shaken and said “So you did love me”. Times like that, this whole insecure attachment stuff, no matter how it manifests, is just cruel. Sounds like it was an intense moment for both of you. Attachment wounding is indeed very painful and the path to healing is not fully charted. No one is irretrievably damaged... No matter how hard the road is, your healing is worth fighting for and the greatest possible gift to yourself. I trust that you can do it, and you show evidence of it by making your boundaries clear. Miracles do happen! ❤️ yes they do! |
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Post by ulrike21 on Apr 3, 2018 17:55:27 GMT
thank you future. we both take care of family members who have life-limiting illnesses, and both individuals have taken a turn for the worse. Life is full of challenges, and situations like this are cause to slow down and be thankful for the good things. there are always good things. it's also a good reminder to get out of oneself and stay present for the people around you. We all have so many blessings we take for granted- in material provisions and also in people, so many blessings we forget to count. *breathing* Yes, you are right. I believe we may be close in age, and at this age we have so many hats to wear, don't we? Still caring for kids and now parents too, life changes, etc. It can be difficult to balance everything and still take care of yourself. I guess we just take it one day at a time and, yes, remember to breathe. |
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Post by ulrike21 on Apr 3, 2018 18:33:58 GMT
thank you future. we both take care of family members who have life-limiting illnesses, and both individuals have taken a turn for the worse. Life is full of challenges, and situations like this are cause to slow down and be thankful for the good things. there are always good things. it's also a good reminder to get out of oneself and stay present for the people around you. We all have so many blessings we take for granted- in material provisions and also in people, so many blessings we forget to count. *breathing* Yes, you are right. I believe we may be close in age, and at this age we have so many hats to wear, don't we? Still caring for kids and now parents too, life changes, etc. It can be difficult to balance everything and still take care of yourself. I guess we just take it one day at a time and, yes, remember to breathe. Hi Juniper (and Future), Juniper am so impressed that, despite all your family issues, you still find the time to help others on this forum. I am sorry you are facing difficult situation. You have an excellent attitude on life which carries you forward and helps others. As I predicted, my DA has reconnected with me after 4 weeks of no contact. The last contact from him, 4 weeks ago, was telling me "goodbye, I'm blocking you". As I had been the one to call it a day, I felt it was more a way for him to feel a sense of control. I didn't try to contact him. I did doubt that he had actually blocked me as he had no reason to! I had not been clingy or unreasonable, nor done anything to cause him to dislike me. He now tells me I was only blocked for a day. I'm not sure I even believe that! It is through these small actions that I can sense his vulnerability. He is so cautious with his emotions that I have pretty much had to read through the lines and his actions since I met him, 16 months ago, but I am usually accurate. With the help of reading the threads on here and direct messages from Juniper I feel I have a much deeper understanding of his difficulties with attachment. I have agreed to see him again. Not immediately. His Father is about to pass any day now, so he is with him in another city. This time I am going in with eyes wide open. Boundaries in place. No expectations. I like all the advice I read here, about not sacrificing my own needs and not tolerating a situation that makes me unhappy. I feel I have sent a strong message by not seeing him for the last 8 weeks and not contacting him. I will not tolerate be treated disrespectfully and I will walk away if I don't like his behavior. I also feel I had a selfish approach previously towards trying to forge a relationship with him. He was telling me what his history was and how relationships make him feel but I was choosing to ignore what he said and try to shoehorn him into what I have been used to. Clearly my past relationships haven't worked or I would not be single! so I am open to a more independent one where I don't make someone responsible for fulfilling all my needs! He is a good person and he has influenced me in very positive ways, particularly in exploring my potential. I like the idea that I can turn to this forum for advice if he and I start spending time together developing into something. For better or worse - the people on here will tell it to me straight! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 18:51:05 GMT
Yes, you are right. I believe we may be close in age, and at this age we have so many hats to wear, don't we? Still caring for kids and now parents too, life changes, etc. It can be difficult to balance everything and still take care of yourself. I guess we just take it one day at a time and, yes, remember to breathe. Hi Juniper (and Future), Juniper am so impressed that, despite all your family issues, you still find the time to help others on this forum. I am sorry you are facing difficult situation. You have an excellent attitude on life which carries you forward and helps others. As I predicted, my DA has reconnected with me after 4 weeks of no contact. The last contact from him, 4 weeks ago, was telling me "goodbye, I'm blocking you". As I had been the one to call it a day, I felt it was more a way for him to feel a sense of control. I didn't try to contact him. I did doubt that he had actually blocked me as he had no reason to! I had not been clingy or unreasonable, nor done anything to cause him to dislike me. He now tells me I was only blocked for a day. I'm not sure I even believe that! It is through these small actions that I can sense his vulnerability. He is so cautious with his emotions that I have pretty much had to read through the lines and his actions since I met him, 16 months ago, but I am usually accurate. With the help of reading the threads on here and direct messages from Juniper I feel I have a much deeper understanding of his difficulties with attachment. I have agreed to see him again. Not immediately. His Father is about to pass any day now, so he is with him in another city. This time I am going in with eyes wide open. Boundaries in place. No expectations. I like all the advice I read here, about not sacrificing my own needs and not tolerating a situation that makes me unhappy. I feel I have sent a strong message by not seeing him for the last 8 weeks and not contacting him. I will not tolerate be treated disrespectfully and I will walk away if I don't like his behavior. I also feel I had a selfish approach previously towards trying to forge a relationship with him. He was telling me what his history was and how relationships make him feel but I was choosing to ignore what he said and try to shoehorn him into what I have been used to. Clearly my past relationships haven't worked or I would not be single! so I am open to a more independent one where I don't make someone responsible for fulfilling all my needs! He is a good person and he has influenced me in very positive ways, particularly in exploring my potential. I like the idea that I can turn to this forum for advice if he and I start spending time together developing into something. For better or worse - the people on here will tell it to me straight! I will definitely be happy to support you. And as you know, it will be in honesty and also to help you support yourself FIRST. That's how i roll lol. And thank you for the kind words. I really want to contribute because i have been through so much pain with my attachment issues (and caused it also) and i know we all suffer. It's so difficult for AP's in their vulnerability and woundedness, to be able to comprehend the vulnerability and woundedness of the avoidant. So when we can open a dialog without defensiveness, growth can happen. Otherwise, this all is just perpetuated and we have other generations coming up that need our change ansnaupport NOW. We are teaching our children how to love or hate. Even if we don't have kids, we model health or sickness in our communities. So i am all about peace and really trying to understand. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:06:32 GMT
ulrike21 good for you! I hope everything works out. I really like listening to Stan Tankin. He calls avoidants "islands" and anxious "waves". He's one of very few sources I've seen that give hope and advice, other then to run for the hills, LOL You can find many interviews on youtube. Attachment issues aside, some relationships are not meant to be either way. However, if you find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you and you're just trying to navigate the issues on both sides, he is extremely helpful. oh wow, haha- i have caught myself saying "I am an island " in my head - just and automatic thought i noticed. i might like this guy 🤔 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:29:59 GMT
oh wow, haha- i have caught myself saying "I am an island " in my head - just and automatic thought i noticed. i might like this guy 🤔 You would, I'm sure. He is very much about compassion for yourself and your partner. Most "professionals" say run away as fast as you can. I shudder to think that I came really close to running away from Mr.Man after listening to the experts. there is a lot of fear-based advice that isn't built on the empathy that we DA's supposedly lack.🤔 i understand it, but it isn't the most helpful advice. Of course, there are lots of relationships that should end post haste for the good of all. But, there is a different way to approach things, for those that have potential. Many don't. Some do. It's a personal choice for both parties. I found this all out by seeing myself in my partner and caring about him enough to understand him. I was taking good enough care of myself to be able to do that. I think it was because he is avoidant, i recognized it and felt friendly toward him even when he wasn't nice. But that's because i had already begun to heal. It takes a certain level of awareness and a solid foundation of self care, but it's not impossible to work together. And even if the relationship ultimately ends, the experience of growth can be priceless and make you ready for something better. It doesn't have to be a complete disaster trying to love a DA lol 😬😁 but we are indeed wired differently and that fact has to be acknowledged, to get anywhere. :/ |
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Post by mrob on Apr 3, 2018 23:39:13 GMT
mrob So sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn't want to meet up with the new guy either. We're here for you. <hugs> Thanks folks., I put myself in the position, so I wear the consequences. Juniper, I find this forum amazingly helpful. Being here has softened me from being a justified avoidant to being able to see my behaviour from another point of view. I can see the way it’s screwed up, the triggers and the subsequent activation. That’s worth everything. I’m not cured, by any means, but I’m in therapy for the first time in years. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:43:38 GMT
mrob So sorry you had to go through that. I wouldn't want to meet up with the new guy either. We're here for you. <hugs> Thanks folks., I put myself in the position, so I wear the consequences. Juniper, I find this forum amazingly helpful. Being here has softened me from being a justified avoidant to being able to see my behaviour from another point of view. I can see the way it’s screwed up, the triggers and the subsequent activation. That’s worth everything. I’m not cured, by any means, but I’m in therapy for the first time in years. that is so awesome mrob. i've revealed some things i am not proud of in the support section but what have i got to lose? i have everything to gain by being humble around this stuff. I like it. And, anyone here could do the same and benefit from their humility. But, it's helpful also to clarify things that are simply misunderstood. I'm glad you are making progress. I'd love to share part of the journey with you here. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2018 23:59:04 GMT
Thanks folks., I put myself in the position, so I wear the consequences. Juniper, I find this forum amazingly helpful. Being here has softened me from being a justified avoidant to being able to see my behaviour from another point of view. I can see the way it’s screwed up, the triggers and the subsequent activation. That’s worth everything. I’m not cured, by any means, but I’m in therapy for the first time in years. that is so awesome mrob . i've revealed some things i am not proud of in the support section but what have i got to lose? i have everything to gain by being humble around this stuff. I like it. And, anyone here could do the same and benefit from their humility. But, it's helpful also to clarify things that are simply misunderstood. I'm glad you are making progress. I'd love to share part of the journey with you here. Juni, my best wishes to you and your family at this challenging time, may you all have the strength, fortitude and grace you need to persevere. Take good care and Courage! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 0:03:19 GMT
that is so awesome mrob . i've revealed some things i am not proud of in the support section but what have i got to lose? i have everything to gain by being humble around this stuff. I like it. And, anyone here could do the same and benefit from their humility. But, it's helpful also to clarify things that are simply misunderstood. I'm glad you are making progress. I'd love to share part of the journey with you here. Juni, my best wishes to you and your family at this challenging time, may you all have the strength, fortitude and grace you need to persevere. Take good care and Courage! Thank you so much @curious. it's so sad but i am also so thankful to be able to take good care and be there every step of the way. Another thing made possible by my healing. ❤️ 😢 |
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Post by ulrike21 on Apr 4, 2018 2:40:52 GMT
Thank you everybody. You people are incredible. I have read a lot of advice and forums over the years but I have never felt safe to contribute to one. The level of self awareness and genuineness on here is outstanding and it feels like such a safe place. I am hooked! I will keep you all posted and if I feel I have something to contribute that might help I will certainly do so.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2018 3:16:39 GMT
Thank you everybody. You people are incredible. I have read a lot of advice and forums over the years but I have never felt safe to contribute to one. The level of self awareness and genuineness on here is outstanding and it feels like such a safe place. I am hooked! I will keep you all posted and if I feel I have something to contribute that might help I will certainly do so. Just make sure you keep working on your self ,so that you can take good care of yourself and not sacrifice for a relationship that hurts. he isn't here with us, you are, so we are supporting YOU.  keep posting! 👍 |
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