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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2018 13:57:03 GMT
goldilocks, what you wrote contains so many good points, and i agree with every one of them! well done. And, your description of your life and the ease and simplicity you have created, taking care of yourself and therefore able to give to others, describes my life very well. In the end, it is extremely important for everyone with insecure attachment to remember that they are struggling first and foremost against THEIR OWN attachment system... not their partners. If you have attachment insecurity and it's triggered by a relationship partner you chose you have to take a look at that. At yourself. we all are at different stages.... and different intensities too. But an insecurely attached person blaming their partner for their discomfort only goes so far, and the answer to a crappy partner who refuses to meet your needs is leaving to find a better partner who wants to. If you can't do that, your attachment system is likely in the way and the only one that can heal you, is you. I'm more secure than dismissive by now but that's been a long road. And, some dismissive traits seem to be part of my makeup, not as distancing tactics but as a way of life that i absolutely cherish. So, a partner who needs a lot of reassurance and time and interlocking lives is not going to fit my bill, nor i theirs. I won't go into a situation like that, because i don't like it for me personally. That's where we need to be, in my opinion- able to understand what works for us and what doesn't and choosing what's good for us instead of what's bad. Thats a tall order, not filled by focusing on the shortcomings of a partner. It just doesn't help anyone to do that.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 25, 2018 20:32:14 GMT
Working on our own issues and respecting the other to work on his own issues or not work on his issues is part of a healthy adult-adult relationship. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysiswww.consensusmediation.ie/parent-child-adult-mode/You can interact with others from an adult-adult perspective, and still communicate your needs and express boundaries. "I have noticed you have been working a lot lately, and I miss you." "You came to my without announcing your visit, this makes me feel uneasy. Would you call me a few hours before coming over?" "I'd love to have you over for the weekend, but I do need some alone time. You are welcome to stay until sunday lunch!" Note that the healthy interactions focus on you and are a bit vulnerable. The unhealthy versions would include judging or trying to change the other, rebelling and passive hostility: "You are such a workaholic, why are you always in the office? You are neglecting me." "What the hell are you doing here? I am not letting you in and sure as hell not making you dinner!" Having someone over, getting more and more annoyed as he overstays his welcome and growing visibly bored and snarky. Attachment injuries don't have to go together with unhealthy communication styles. When we have an attachment injury, we do more often have different needs than our partner. Hence, there is more of a need to communicate needs.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2018 20:46:04 GMT
Working on our own issues and respecting the other to work on his own issues or not work on his issues is part of a healthy adult-adult relationship. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysiswww.consensusmediation.ie/parent-child-adult-mode/You can interact with others from an adult-adult perspective, and still communicate your needs and express boundaries. "I have noticed you have been working a lot lately, and I miss you." "You came to my without announcing your visit, this makes me feel uneasy. Would you call me a few hours before coming over?" "I'd love to have you over for the weekend, but I do need some alone time. You are welcome to stay until sunday lunch!" Note that the healthy interactions focus on you and are a bit vulnerable. The unhealthy versions would include judging or trying to change the other, rebelling and passive hostility: "You are such a workaholic, why are you always in the office? You are neglecting me." "What the hell are you doing here? I am not letting you in and sure as hell not making you dinner!" Having someone over, getting more and more annoyed as he overstays his welcome and growing visibly bored and snarky. Attachment injuries don't have to go together with unhealthy communication styles. When we have an attachment injury, we do more often have different needs than our partner. Hence, there is more of a need to communicate needs. bingo, and well spoken, better than i can manage haha! but this is it right here.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 25, 2018 22:18:21 GMT
You can interact with others from an adult-adult perspective, and still communicate your needs and express boundaries. "I have noticed you have been working a lot lately, and I miss you." "You came to my without announcing your visit, this makes me feel uneasy. Would you call me a few hours before coming over?" "I'd love to have you over for the weekend, but I do need some alone time. You are welcome to stay until sunday lunch!" If you are getting to know each other, early dating, how do you take the relationship to a next level under these premises? Does the need for alone time diminishes? And if so, why? what changes? "I need some alone time. Please lock yourself in the bedroom after Sunday lunch. Please go to your parents. Please call me before you enter the kitchen, I feel uneasy when you enter my space. I will spend half of the weekend outside of the house because I cannot tolerate 48 hr of proximity, please figure it out with the kids" These are just ridiculous phrases that came into my head to illustrate that I do not understand how the need for alone time eventually is compatible with a cohabitating situation. Anybody would like to share some light about the transition, if there is a transition? or do you just suppress your needs? If so, how can you endure this?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2018 23:19:40 GMT
You can interact with others from an adult-adult perspective, and still communicate your needs and express boundaries. "I have noticed you have been working a lot lately, and I miss you." "You came to my without announcing your visit, this makes me feel uneasy. Would you call me a few hours before coming over?" "I'd love to have you over for the weekend, but I do need some alone time. You are welcome to stay until sunday lunch!" If you are getting to know each other, early dating, how do you take the relationship to a next level under these premises? Does the need for alone time diminishes? And if so, why? what changes? "I need some alone time. Please lock yourself in the bedroom after Sunday lunch. Please go to your parents. Please call me before you enter the kitchen, I feel uneasy when you enter my space. I will spend half of the weekend outside of the house because I cannot tolerate 48 hr of proximity, please figure it out with the kids" These are just ridiculous phrases that came into my head to illustrate that I do not understand how the need for alone time eventually is compatible with a cohabitating situation. Anybody would like to share some light about the transition, if there is a transition? or do you just suppress your needs? If so, how can you endure this? i can only answer for me but i would not consider a cohabiting situation again.[. I prefer to live alone with my kids and prioritize our dynamic because it's awesome. When they are grown, i still do not see cohabiting. i don't see it as a requirement for monogamy and a happy relationship. ]I prefer to live by myself and have the solitude and priorities i have, and would choose a partner with a similar preference ( which is what i have done) so vastly different needs for solitude would spell incompatibility for me and that would be known early on with honest communication.
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Post by BreakingTheSpell on Mar 25, 2018 23:50:23 GMT
i can only answer for me but i would not consider a cohabiting situation again.[. I prefer to live alone with my kids and prioritize our dynamic because it's awesome. When they are grown, i will do not see cohabiting. i don't see it as a requirement for monogamy and a happy relationship. ]I prefer to live by myself and have the solitude and priorities i have, and would choose a partner with a similar preference ( which is what i have done) so vastly different needs for solitude would spell incompatibility for me and that would be known early on with honest communication. Thank you juniper. I guess my question was more addressed to that "former you" who managed the cohabitating. I assume your kids are a result from that period. correct me if I am wrong please. I am aware the posters are in different stages of their life, some people may have already have cohabitating experiences in their past. So my question remains similar: how did you manage with the cohabitating period and your need for alone time back then? For those of you who got together with the father/mother of your kids and are still together, how do you cope now? what changed about the need for alone time particularly when your kids were very young? For those who are earlier in their life and would like to eventually parent kids, how do you see yourself cohabitating while still in need of alone time whenever you need it? (which may not be compatible with your role as a partner/parent)
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 0:05:51 GMT
i can only answer for me but i would not consider a cohabiting situation again.[. I prefer to live alone with my kids and prioritize our dynamic because it's awesome. When they are grown, i will do not see cohabiting. i don't see it as a requirement for monogamy and a happy relationship. ]I prefer to live by myself and have the solitude and priorities i have, and would choose a partner with a similar preference ( which is what i have done) so vastly different needs for solitude would spell incompatibility for me and that would be known early on with honest communication. Thank you juniper. I guess my question was more addressed to that "former you" who managed the cohabitating. I assume your kids are a result from that period. correct me if I am wrong please. I am aware the posters are in different stages of their life, some people may have already have cohabitating experiences in their past. So my question remains similar: how did you manage with the cohabitating period and your need for alone time back then? For those of you who got together with the father/mother of your kids and are still together, how do you cope now? what changed about the need for alone time particularly when your kids were very young? For those who are earlier in their life and would like to eventually parent kids, how do you see yourself cohabitating while still in need of alone time whenever you need it? (which may not be compatible with your role as a partner/parent) when i was living with an anxious partner before i understood all this it was miserable and not tolerable. My deep desire to devote my attention to things i was passionate about were taken as an affront to my partner and i was punished for it. it was a bad deal. he was violent over his insecurity. i had other live in partners that weren't anxious and it worked ok, because they didn't have high attention and interaction needs and weren't resentful about my space. i guess it didn't trigger them? it's all individual. i like to engage and am talkative as well but enjoy a lot of connected silence also, and time alone. That's what i need to be healthy and happy. any partner that could do that happily might work but i prefer solitude for my living. i engage with my kids a lot.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 0:26:09 GMT
when my partner and i are together we are just about 100% engaged. we are both major snugglers together, and stay in a lot of physical contact. and we share an activity together. our time is largely about relaxing and bonding.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 0:38:57 GMT
Haha! Yes, mine calls me a magnet because I am always attached to him physically. haha i feel like a little puppy, i never want to be away from contact when we are together . i stop what i'm doing to go kiiss his forehead a lot. he loves affection too. i give more but he soaks it up.
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 26, 2018 5:15:07 GMT
I am aware the posters are in different stages of their life, some people may have already have cohabitating experiences in their past. So my question remains similar: how did you manage with the cohabitating period and your need for alone time back then? For those who are earlier in their life and would like to eventually parent kids, how do you see yourself cohabitating while still in need of alone time whenever you need it? (which may not be compatible with your role as a partner/parent) I have never cohabited yet and I am ok with not having any kids. That said, I am open to cohabitation marriage and even a child with the right person. I´ve had a few relationships and have happily enjoyed holidays for a week or longer. With my last boyfriend, I had some alone time late at night as he west to bed earlier than me. Another thing that works for me is to have a seperate day in the middle of each/the week when on holiday. I have noticed I am vastly more compatible with some people than others, both friends and lovers, when it comes to spending longer stretches of time together. Ome part of this is being with someone who also enjoys a bit of alone time here and there, another part is simply compatibility of lifestyle. This can already be noticed spending a weekend trip together. Do they get up earlier than me, and if so, do they read quietly until I am ready for breakfast or wake me up? Do they wake up much, much later? Do they want to take far more or far fewer breaks? A third thing is how much attention they demand. Some people will give you a bit of peace and quiet here and there, others are always asking a lot of questions. I´d need more alone time with the latter. Someone who is AP will often ask for a lot of attention while together and also have no enjoyment of their own alone time. It seems like an uphill battle. I know couples that have organised regular alone time. One way I have seen is him working monday to thursday and her working tuesday to friday. Each has a day home alone to unnwind. Another couple does similar with him having sports part of the weekend and her being out with her girlfriends. Another option is having a room to withdraw in. I fully accept that the way I am, not that many people would work for me in a cohabiting situation and there are very few men I´d consider having a child with. I do work on myself and take therapy to become more flexible, but part of my core make up may still be that marriage and children are not as high a priority for me as they are for other women. I´d love for those things to happen with the right person, who has compatible needs, but I´m not interested in making it happen with someone who is incompatible. My happiness is more important.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 13:12:47 GMT
I am aware the posters are in different stages of their life, some people may have already have cohabitating experiences in their past. So my question remains similar: how did you manage with the cohabitating period and your need for alone time back then? For those who are earlier in their life and would like to eventually parent kids, how do you see yourself cohabitating while still in need of alone time whenever you need it? (which may not be compatible with your role as a partner/parent) I have never cohabited yet and I am ok with not having any kids. That said, I am open to cohabitation marriage and even a child with the right person. I´ve had a few relationships and have happily enjoyed holidays for a week or longer. With my last boyfriend, I had some alone time late at night as he west to bed earlier than me. Another thing that works for me is to have a seperate day in the middle of each/the week when on holiday. I have noticed I am vastly more compatible with some people than others, both friends and lovers, when it comes to spending longer stretches of time together. Ome part of this is being with someone who also enjoys a bit of alone time here and there, another part is simply compatibility of lifestyle. This can already be noticed spending a weekend trip together. Do they get up earlier than me, and if so, do they read quietly until I am ready for breakfast or wake me up? Do they wake up much, much later? Do they want to take far more or far fewer breaks? A third thing is how much attention they demand. Some people will give you a bit of peace and quiet here and there, others are always asking a lot of questions. I´d need more alone time with the latter. Someone who is AP will often ask for a lot of attention while together and also have no enjoyment of their own alone time. It seems like an uphill battle. I know couples that have organised regular alone time. One way I have seen is him working monday to thursday and her working tuesday to friday. Each has a day home alone to unnwind. Another couple does similar with him having sports part of the weekend and her being out with her girlfriends. Another option is having a room to withdraw in. I fully accept that the way I am, not that many people would work for me in a cohabiting situation and there are very few men I´d consider having a child with. I do work on myself and take therapy to become more flexible, but part of my core make up may still be that marriage and children are not as high a priority for me as they are for other women. I´d love for those things to happen with the right person, who has compatible needs, but I´m not interested in making it happen with someone who is incompatible. My happiness is more important. again, goldilocks, you have said it all better. maybe it's because i have kids and i am always snagging time here or there to post, haha. agree to all of it. i blend well with some more than others, and if there is not emotional neediness or a continual need to engage solutions can be found. I love my own groove and am very happy with my life, so i don't wish to disrupt it, and have found a situation that suits me well. it's different for everyone. my secure/dA girlfriends don't aspire to cohabitation either. and ironically, we all are into wilderness hiking and backpacking. ha. wild creatures. @future, let us know how your talk goes. This can be a strong step for you in your own growth - IF YOU CONSIDER YOUR HAPPINESS also and assert your needs. suppressing them is terrible for you. And make sure that you are aware of if your own needs are realistic. Yet slindnthat way to me, but study up on Anxious Preoccupied help literature to examine deep stuff, it can all be an opportunity for more self awareness and growth. keep growing your own life and interests too, you won't be sorry. donwhat you love, and lots of it. . . See how he responds, perhaps there is growth possible. you never know. But you need a base of security first. then you can support him with compromise. That's how it works for me anyway. I need to be stable and know there's a good foundation... then i can be a good friend to my partner. it goes both ways and sometimes all the assurance i need is in a conversation. I'm a woman too, i want love, i want something that is stable for me.... it looks different for the different attachment types but i think we all value our relationships. Let us know! and , be true to yourself
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 14:01:17 GMT
Thanks juniper. I was hoping to start the conversation today but he is currently MIA at work and is not answering his phone. He must've had an appt or something today. Of course, he never tells me ahead of time. The rest of the day here will be crazy so I guess it'll have to wait. We won't be able to have lunch together for sure. Starting to get a little anxious now as I really want to get it over with. maybe it will help to remember that while you made an internal decision to address it and it feels urgent, it's true that externally things are as they have been for a little while so it's not an emergency. It's just emotionally urgent to you. He hasn't heard you yet, and he is probably not thinking there is a problem to address. that's probably not where his mind is at so the urgency is internal to you. This would be a good time to read literature about how to self soothe and also to bolster your kindness to yourself by checking in and knowing what is going on with you. Maybe post in the support section for AP- but you will also get a lot of protective feedback from people who have been hurt and their perspective is not seeing any real hope. I understand that. I am just being real here. I don't think it's a popular view. But i am trying to be supportive of you primarily, and this relationship of yours, secondarily. I wish i had better advice for the internal stuff you are facing. But do try to prioritize something else while he is unavailable to you today and don't assume anything. this is where you can learn to steer your own emotional ship no matter what he is doing. When my partner is overwhelmed he goeS TO the problem he is facing, that doesn't mean he is going AWAY from me. there is a difference, and it's critical to see it. it i we're anxious i would read it as a pulling away. but i'm not so i don't and it's all good. this is work to get through it but that's what we are here for.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 15:26:56 GMT
Ok, well, he came to work so I know he's alive. He came in and had coffee with me but he was very cranky (about work stuff) so it was not a good time to bring anything up. He wants to have lunch but I don't think I'll be able to because of a meeting. I'm gonna ask, at some point, if he will come over one night this week. familiar scenario to me. Yes, it's important to address your needs with him, but clearly there is a time and place. He just devoted his weekend to his kids (very present to them it seems, which is good) and now Monday morning is faced with work pressure.... these are his current priorities today, and he wouldn't be able to shelve that during the work day to address a relationship dilemma that ultimatelay might feel threatening to him also depending on where he is emotionally- so requesting time in the evening when he has things settled more with whatever is pressuring him seems completely reasonable. He's juggling. Don't toss him a flaming ball till he has a hand free to catch it lol. in the meantime, it's self care opportunity for you. these aren't ways of escaping you necessarily, they are legitimate priorities and pressing responsibilities. i know you know that, i'm not insulting your intelligence. Just remind the anxious side of you that is really worried about the outcome. It isn't clear yet, don't catastrophic yet just have to walk through it all and learn as you go
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 16:01:49 GMT
Funny you said juggling cuz he says that a lot, " I'm trying to juggle a lot of stuff". Haha yes. I can honestly recognize that a trait that i enjoy, and appreciate in the DA around me, is high competence and the ability to manage complex situations with steely determination and endurance. I am not saying that other types cannot as well! But it is a predictable theme. Others tend to rely on that and it's ok. But we need a soft place to land, too. Between my partner and i, i'm the girl haha and naturally have bigger mushy needs than my partner. He appreciates my softness and ability to stay calm and nurture him, and he also knows i will speak out for myself. Its balance and working together. I would first describe my relationship with him as a true friendship. This, to a DA, is a title of respect and love. It carries a meaning for me that is more important than any other term for a mate. it is a fluid , flexible, but reliable union. But you have to be a friend to you also. He needs to be a friend to you. I think you are doing good to process it here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 17:14:45 GMT
"high competence and the ability to manage complex situations with steely determination and endurance." This describes him perfectly! He is pretty frazzled today and decided to take off and go work on one of his own projects for his business. He came in the office to let me know. I asked him if he was coming over one night this week and he said yes he was. No waffling, no excuses, no let's see, I don't know yet, I'll let you know, etc. He just said yes he is. Ahhhhh, haven't had that in 2 months. I feel a little better. Will probably be Tues or Thurs as he has the kids Wed although now one of them is sick. Hope he doesn't come down with it too. We have a bad flu going around the area right now. I really think he could use a nice relaxing evening with me. I know I could certainly use one with him. He keeps saying he isn't sleeping well. But, he always sleeps like a baby when we are together. I wonder if he realizes that... Thank you so much, juniper, for talking me through this. I've been dealing well lately but this morning I just felt uneasy about everything. Sometimes, you just need to hear the truth. XOXO this sounds exactly like my guy. Sleep issues seem to be common, it's understandable . Yes, he knows that your comfort helps him sleep. And he values it. My partners insomnia has improved drastically with TLC. i am speaking boldly of course haha and i admit i don't know your guy from Adam. But from my perspective as DA with DA partner i say yes, yes he does notice he sleeps better with you by him. Approach him gently, valuing him, when you express how you miss him. Just go ahead and assume he misses you. Try that instead of fearing that he doesn't. It can't hurt you any worse than anxiety, to try to believe that he cares. Just genuinely express yourself to him, which requires vulnerability and emotional availability on your part, i take that risk. i am happy to support you, as you also support yourself and him. I hope there is something you two can grow through together. Any friend of a DA is a friend of mine haha. We are tough nuts to crack but the insides are good.
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