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Post by goldilocks on Mar 26, 2018 17:38:05 GMT
I am just being real here. I don't think it's a popular view. But i am trying to be supportive of you primarily, and this relationship of yours, secondarily. I really like this approach. A lot of people try to save the relationship with little regard of the happiness of the persons in it. A lot of people on this forum are on the `Every DA is my ex and evil to the bone` trip. Some people are even in both of these traps `My ex is a totally evil jerk. What can I do to get him back?´ |
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Post by goldilocks on Mar 26, 2018 18:00:42 GMT
again, goldilocks , you have said it all better. maybe it's because i have kids and i am always snagging time here or there to post, haha. agree to all of it. i blend well with some more than others, and if there is not emotional neediness or a continual need to engage solutions can be found. I love my own groove and am very happy with my life, so i don't wish to disrupt it, and have found a situation that suits me well. it's different for everyone. my secure/dA girlfriends don't aspire to cohabitation either. and ironically, we all are into wilderness hiking and backpacking. ha. wild creatures. I feel flattered! Speaking of wild creatures, I am reading `Women who run with the wolves` about the wild woman archetype. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 18:02:52 GMT
I am just being real here. I don't think it's a popular view. But i am trying to be supportive of you primarily, and this relationship of yours, secondarily. I really like this approach. A lot of people try to save the relationship with little regard of the happiness of the persons in it. A lot of people on this forum are on the `Every DA is my ex and evil to the bone` trip. Some people are even in both of these traps `My ex is a totally evil jerk. What can I do to get him back?´ yes goldilocks, we have to keep it real. These are attachment injuries and we all seem to want attachment and love, deep down, but we go about it in dysfunctional ways. I have had a lot of healing and as DA i have insight into the kind of wounding that occurs to create an avoidant. Horrible things inflicted on children. On us. I know AP are injured also. As adults, we all hurt each other floundering around trying to make sense of it all. We're trying, we aren't good at it. But i know me,, and i know my partner. We have and need love. We go about it in knucklehead ways. But we do grow. it's true that this is a difficult pairing but with the right individuals and the right effort, working toward secure and addressing our own attachment systems, something good could happen. It's a big BUT. My partner and i have beat the odds for now, and now is what matters most to us. Day at a time, things are good. I for one have to stay in the moment and stay in today, to live the best life possible. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2018 18:04:59 GMT
again, goldilocks , you have said it all better. maybe it's because i have kids and i am always snagging time here or there to post, haha. agree to all of it. i blend well with some more than others, and if there is not emotional neediness or a continual need to engage solutions can be found. I love my own groove and am very happy with my life, so i don't wish to disrupt it, and have found a situation that suits me well. it's different for everyone. my secure/dA girlfriends don't aspire to cohabitation either. and ironically, we all are into wilderness hiking and backpacking. ha. wild creatures. I feel flattered! Speaking of wild creatures, I am reading `Women who run with the wolves` about the wild woman archetype. I read that in my twenties, it should be required reading for girls in school!!! I still recall the wisdom in that book!!! frequently. I am that archetype lol with a few quirks. ;D |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 28, 2018 23:52:41 GMT
I am just being real here. I don't think it's a popular view. But i am trying to be supportive of you primarily, and this relationship of yours, secondarily. I really like this approach. A lot of people try to save the relationship with little regard of the happiness of the persons in it. A lot of people on this forum are on the `Every DA is my ex and evil to the bone` trip. Some people are even in both of these traps `My ex is a totally evil jerk. What can I do to get him back?´ Gosh I recognize that....wanting someone back who treats you poorly....fortunately the last guy I dated wasn't a jerk....he is, in fact a really great guy with a good heart who just happens to have a lot of fears and needs to feel "in control" of his life....thus distancing when things felt overwhelming to him. Really wish I could have understood this dynamic better....and not paid so much attention to my own fears. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 2:28:26 GMT
Just a quick update. I asked my sweetheart this morning if I should give up on him and he said, "No, I haven't given up on you". We met up at my house today for lunch and I was able to get in a little talk. It went really well. He reassured me under no uncertain terms that we are good and solid. He said the kids schedules are slowing down now and we will get back to normal over the coming days and weeks. On a side note, he really didn't realize how long it's been since we spent time together regularly (that old time thing-it was actually funny to see his face when I told him, haha). Anyway, We agreed to look at what we both need in terms of time and to come up with something that works for both of us, sort of a happy medium. I kind of came at it like, I know you need your space and so do I but, can we try to work together and come up with something that we can both be happy with? He seemed very happy and open to that. I think, in the future, I need to be more proactive and not let him take too much space because he did lose track of time (as in weeks). I think I need to talk to him about it more if he starts to do that again, still being supportive, but not just not saying anything, kwim? This was the 1st time he did this so I really had no clue how to handle it. I don't want to put too much personal out there. But, I realized, through our conversation, that he has some still very open wounds from his ex and their divorce. He is definitely very scared of getting hurt again. I also realized that he needs as much reassurance as I do, which I never would have thought in a million years. He certainly does not show it. He is very much a manly man. He comes across as completely confident with a huge ego and nothing can touch him. I knew she had hurt him pretty badly but I didn't realize how it was affecting him now with me. So, he is planning on spending tomorrow evening with me and I plan on giving him some extra love and try to reassure him that I'm not going anywhere and I haven't given up on him either. Thanks so much for listening and encouraging me. xoxo @future, this is all such good news. And seriously, the way you describe him i am afraid to say i think we are seeing the same guy and i hate to tell you this but HE'S MINE!!!! 😂😂😂 of course kidding but they sound like twins. So, you accomplished a lot here. I will share it from my DA perspective, because i am touched by what you have done both for yourself and for your lovable DA 🙂 You recognized and asserted your need, after gaining support and advice about how to see things from his perspective also. You were kind, to yourself and to him. You faced your fear and did the right thing! You can develop a pattern of this- for you. and for him. You gave him an opportunity to hear you, and meet you half way. You gave him an opportunity to keep you and take better care of you. By doing so, he is also taking better care of himself because you obviously bless him. There is more to say, and i will come back later as i have to run kids around  But i am happy for you. It's not easy, all this. It's too much for me to think about always and forever with my own fears and issues. so i choose myself and my guy every morning and let the future happen a day at a time right NOW So far i have grown a lot. I struggle still as an avoidant, in ways that are sad and difficult for me. I'm sharing some here in the support forum and i cringe. :/ But, we are all works in progress. Just remember that. And give yourself a chance! You did really good. Enjoy each other , you only have to worry about doing your best today -and it's super sweet to take good care of each other. Really proud of you. From what you described of your dynamic and him i was anticipating good news. Thanks for the update! |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 3:17:22 GMT
oh and @future- about him losing track of time and not realizing that long had passed.
Totally believable to me.
As i mentioned, for many of us DA, when we have problems to solve and burdens to bear we move straight to it, and often have several plates spinning.
We don't want the plates to break.
Unfortunately, we don't prioritize the same way an Anxious person might, ( there the tendency is more toward preoccupation with relationship. but we are preoccupied with everything else) .
I hope that you guys can also give grace to each other with that.
I know it's a huge deal for me.
I was noticing a theme among some of us in the Support forum that as kids we lived in our own little worlds , in nature and fantasy where there are no clocks.
I know for a fact that i count time differently and with difficulty. My insides don't prompt me look to a clock naturally.
Anyway, to some, his losing track would not seem even possible but i get it. Just saying.
It's true i am certain of my guy as well.
We suck at some things.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 12:35:00 GMT
I really like this approach. A lot of people try to save the relationship with little regard of the happiness of the persons in it. A lot of people on this forum are on the `Every DA is my ex and evil to the bone` trip. Some people are even in both of these traps `My ex is a totally evil jerk. What can I do to get him back?´ Gosh I recognize that....wanting someone back who treats you poorly....fortunately the last guy I dated wasn't a jerk....he is, in fact a really great guy with a good heart who just happens to have a lot of fears and needs to feel "in control" of his life....thus distancing when things felt overwhelming to him. Really wish I could have understood this dynamic better....and not paid so much attention to my own fears. hi tnr9. i don't know anything about your situation, and every individual and relationship is unique. There are so many factors and conditions at play that influence us and our relationships! But, have you explored reconciliation with him, from the standpoint of a commitment to growth for yourself and learning how to be a good partner? I'm not saying you aren't a good partner What i am saying is that when i sought reconciliation, it was after sincere soul searching and work to understand myself and my partner better. There was definitely a recognition on my part that i had been mistaken in my own perceptions, and those perceptions were driven by fear. So, both sides do wrestle with their own worldview. I am not encouraging reconciliation in every situation, only those with sincerity and awareness and safety on both sides. In any case, exploring options can be a healthy thing. I am fully aware of the dangers of hanging on to something that is best let go of. Fully aware! And as i said,, i know nothing of you, your ex, your issues, your dynamic with him. I can't be the one to evaluate that obviously. I'm working on my own self and issues daily. I don't know anything lol!!! Nobody can examine that for you and tell you what to do, it's very personal and up to you. It requires wisdom and honesty to consider these things and arrive at a sensible decision, and also a willingness to learn and grow and be mistaken. No guarantees- but sometimes things are not what they seem and it's worth a second look. Many times, it's not. (!!!) you get what i'm saying 😬🙂 i hope 🙂 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 14:36:27 GMT
if you don't mind @future, i'd love to keep these dialog going if you want to, also.
For several reasons.
it actually can benefit us both. For me, it serves as a way to keep my focus on awareness, as much of what i share with you and advice i have, is good for me too.
It's like journaling and i hate to journal so this works lol.
I thought about all this some more.
I think many of us look for the answer, the outcome- we look for that assurance, we feel so much fear that we would like to know we aren't taking too many risks with our heart and well being.
But when we look to a partner for all the answers and give them all the power , we inadvertently destroy the possibility of a truly equitable union!
I imagine that to an AP, not speaking up for themselves in a healthy way, and over compromising, sacrificing their needs, they might believe they are giving a precarious situation the best chance for survival.
But that isn't so! They have to co-create their well being. If they rely on their partner to direct everything, they aren't a good partner actually, they are more like just a backpack that their partner carries around and reaches into when they need something. That's kind of human nature, it's not purely a DA thing.
The same things can be said about a DA living in fear. We do need assurance, but will mostly likely not seek it. So we do the opposite protective maneuvers.
Anyway, i'm not sure if all that made sense.
We have to really look at what we are co-creating. We have to really challenge fear based perceptions. And fail or no fail, it seems that in these situations we have an opportunity to work TOWARD healing and security. That doesn't mean we are guaranteed a happily ever after! But it's a proving ground, an opportunity to change the horrible scripts we live by.
Just thinking out loud (on the internet) lol.
Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 18:09:11 GMT
ulrike21 this is my perspective i was wanting to share above. so glad you took good care of yourself in your situation!
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2018 18:36:45 GMT
Gosh I recognize that....wanting someone back who treats you poorly....fortunately the last guy I dated wasn't a jerk....he is, in fact a really great guy with a good heart who just happens to have a lot of fears and needs to feel "in control" of his life....thus distancing when things felt overwhelming to him. Really wish I could have understood this dynamic better....and not paid so much attention to my own fears. hi tnr9 . i don't know anything about your situation, and every individual and relationship is unique. There are so many factors and conditions at play that influence us and our relationships! But, have you explored reconciliation with him, from the standpoint of a commitment to growth for yourself and learning how to be a good partner? I'm not saying you aren't a good partner What i am saying is that when i sought reconciliation, it was after sincere soul searching and work to understand myself and my partner better. There was definitely a recognition on my part that i had been mistaken in my own perceptions, and those perceptions were driven by fear. So, both sides do wrestle with their own worldview. I am not encouraging reconciliation in every situation, only those with sincerity and awareness and safety on both sides. In any case, exploring options can be a healthy thing. I am fully aware of the dangers of hanging on to something that is best let go of. Fully aware! And as i said,, i know nothing of you, your ex, your issues, your dynamic with him. I can't be the one to evaluate that obviously. I'm working on my own self and issues daily. I don't know anything lol!!! Nobody can examine that for you and tell you what to do, it's very personal and up to you. It requires wisdom and honesty to consider these things and arrive at a sensible decision, and also a willingness to learn and grow and be mistaken. No guarantees- but sometimes things are not what they seem and it's worth a second look. Many times, it's not. (!!!) you get what i'm saying 😬🙂 i hope 🙂 Thank you juniper...I wish we could reconcile...but it takes two people and currently B doesn't seem interested in being more then just acquaintances. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2018 18:40:39 GMT
ah, tnr9 . have you talked about it with him? you don't have to share, i'm sure it's difficullt. |
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Post by ulrike21 on Mar 30, 2018 4:36:32 GMT
if you don't mind @future , i'd love to keep these dialog going if you want to, also. For several reasons. it actually can benefit us both. For me, it serves as a way to keep my focus on awareness, as much of what i share with you and advice i have, is good for me too. It's like journaling and i hate to journal so this works lol. I thought about all this some more. I think many of us look for the answer, the outcome- we look for that assurance, we feel so much fear that we would like to know we aren't taking too many risks with our heart and well being. But when we look to a partner for all the answers and give them all the power , we inadvertently destroy the possibility of a truly equitable union! I imagine that to an AP, not speaking up for themselves in a healthy way, and over compromising, sacrificing their needs, they might believe they are giving a precarious situation the best chance for survival. But that isn't so! They have to co-create their well being. If they rely on their partner to direct everything, they aren't a good partner actually, they are more like just a backpack that their partner carries around and reaches into when they need something. That's kind of human nature, it's not purely a DA thing. The same things can be said about a DA living in fear. We do need assurance, but will mostly likely not seek it. So we do the opposite protective maneuvers. Anyway, i'm not sure if all that made sense. We have to really look at what we are co-creating. We have to really challenge fear based perceptions. And fail or no fail, it seems that in these situations we have an opportunity to work TOWARD healing and security. That doesn't mean we are guaranteed a happily ever after! But it's a proving ground, an opportunity to change the horrible scripts we live by. Just thinking out loud (on the internet) lol. Thank you. I love this. Some of the most meaningful advice for me, since dealing with a DA, is to meet my own needs and not look to a partner to fulfill me. I always assumed that being part of a couple meant that we each took care of whatever either of us was lacking, in such a way that we were basically codependent. Never occured to me to take care of myself fully and be with someone who was doing likewise. It actually seems like a healthier way to have a relationship. I feel like I have been brainwashed by films, love songs, and what is considered 'normal' couple behavior, to even contemplate what a healthy relationship between two independent people could be like. I am looking forward to moving on with an open mind and not looking for a cookie cutter partnership. Boundaries have always been a problem for me. I don't set them! But I feel them, and know when they have been overstepped. By this time it is usually too late because I blow up and the person on the other end wonders where all this anger came from. I think I did better this time! No yelling or accusations. I simply stated my needs were not being met and I saw no future. I feel good about myself for not being needy, clingy or critical toward him. On the surface it would appear that I calmly moved on. The crazy ruminations in my head tell the real story lol! But only my best friend and anybody reading this would know! This forum is, "Talk Therapy", without a fee and with experts in the field! I am very grateful to all the wonderful commenters on here! |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 30, 2018 12:45:16 GMT
ah, tnr9 . have you talked about it with him? you don't have to share, i'm sure it's difficullt. Hey Juniper.....he knows that I still love him.....and I do believe he still cares about me....but no...there hasn't been a "talk". A few weeks ago I was doing really well...I was in a balanced state where I could love him but not take anything personal...it was awsome. The last week or so, I have been out of whack..you see, he started texting me....just general check ins...but I could feel myself spinning on what to say in reply. It became too serious/too personal to me. I felt this huge weight like there was only one right response and a million wrong ones...and I am still reacting to his "silence" with fear...fear that I made a mistake...that I wasn't inviting enough in my replies....that I again "lost" him. I really do not like being in this state because everything shrinks, everything becomes "scarce" and everything turns into a "sign" that I am not "enough". Because if I was enough, he would not have broken up with me. Please understand, this is my attachment pain speaking out from the depth of me. It gets reawakened every time I have "hope" for reconciliation (when he starts texting me again) but then the hope goes nowhere because it wasn't set at the correct level. My hope tends to be "all in"...and conversely, to my attachment pain...his silence to me feels like he is "all out"...when the truth is...he is this way...moves closer for a bit (check ins) then scurries away (silence). I need to figure out how not to let his swirl cause swirl in me....to stand firm in the knowledge that my nice text back did not cause irreparable damage to what is loosely defined as a friendship. The last text I sent him...I waited a day to send, because I just could not find the words to say I was "good"...now my heart worries that because I waited too long he is "annoyed" at me...which is why I haven't heard back...it isn't likely true....but you see how my mind operates. Thanks for letting me get this out. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2018 23:44:22 GMT
tnr9 , do you think it's a good idea to be in contact with him? It seems like it could be prolonging your healing and reinforcing your negative beliefs about yourself. 
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